


A River in Egypt

by CrashDevil (cjdevlin19)



Series: It's Only Natural (On a Hiding to Nothing) Series [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader-Insert, Wincest - Freeform, sister reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:27:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 41,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22297054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjdevlin19/pseuds/CrashDevil
Summary: Author’s Note: A series of snapshots from the It’s Only Natural universe, all told from Sam’s POV.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/You, Sam Winchester/You
Series: It's Only Natural (On a Hiding to Nothing) Series [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1299767
Comments: 27
Kudos: 51





	1. Leaving

**Summary** : Sam’s going to Stanford and he wants a little time with his big sister before he leaves for California.

**Story Warnings** : A little bit of the ‘Sam going to Stanford’ sads, a little bit of the ‘Dean being an overprotective jerk’ anger, not much…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She’s been staring at the folder for too long. Looking down at that maroon folder where the next chapter of my life is outlined…and she has nothing on her face. No pride, no anger, no fear. **  
**

“I-I expected some kind of reaction from you, Y/n. Aren’t you happy for me?” I ask.

Her eyes snap to mine and she licks her lips. “Uh, of-of course I’m happy for you, Sammy. I guess I’m just…I dunno, in shock? This page says your acceptance date was in February…it’s August.” Betrayal floods her eyes and I have to look away. “You’ve been working this in secret all year?”

“I couldn’t tell you, Y/n. If I told you, you’d tell Dean and Dean would tell Dad.” That’s why I waited until Dad and Dean were out of the motel to tell her.

“Yeah.” She lets out a little sigh and nods, looking back down at the folder. “So, why are you showing me now?”

“I just…I didn’t want to…when I leave in a few days, I didn’t want you to be blindsided.”

There’s panic in her eyes when she looks up at me again and I feel terrible about it. “Days?” she asks, her voice just a bit squeaky.

“Semester starts Monday…I gotta get to Santa Clara before then. It’s a…long bus ride.”

“Right.” She looks back down. “Better a bus than the car, though. M-more leg room for your…more comfortable for…” She trails off, her lips moving on invisible words. 

“I’m sorry, Y/n.”

“Why?” she whispers, eyes still on the folder. “This is amazing. I’m so happy you’re gonna use that big beautiful brain for something more than monster lore. All the hard work you put into school while Dean and I fucked around…it was worth it." 

She doesn’t sound ‘so happy’.

"You didn’t fuck around. Unlike Dean, _you_ graduated.”

“Not with honors like you did.” She swallows and takes a deep breath before smiling brightly and looking up at me. “You earned this, Sammy! You earned the normal life that comes with this. You’re fucking amazing, kid!” she says, before launching herself at me and wrapping her arms around my neck.

It’s fake enthusiasm. I know my big sister well enough to tell but it feels good. It’s nice to know I’ve got someone in my corner. “I’ve got a few days…wanna do anything special?”

“Anything you want.” She thinks she’s being discreet as she wipes at her eyes before she pulls out of the hug, but I feel it. “I’ll make it happen.”

I don’t doubt she’d find a way to move Heaven and Earth if I asked her. She’s never really let me want for anything. I love her for that.

“A hike and a picnic?” I suggest. She smiles a soft smile that I don’t get to see very much of and my heart breaks a little. 

“You pick something Dean hates so you can get me to yourself for the day?” she teases, but it’s true. I love Dean and all, but sometimes I just want some time with Y/n. They’re twins so I get why they’re always together, but I want her every once in a while.

“Is that a ‘yes’?” I ask.

She nods. “I said ‘anything’, didn’t I? I’ll pack us some sandwiches and there might be a few of those little bags of chips left. Doritos?” She walks over to the mini-fridge and pulls out the bologna and Kraft singles.

“Perfect. I’ll run over to the gas station and get a couple liter bottles of water to take with.”

“Awesome. I’ll call Dad and let him know we’re gonna take a-a bit of time for ourselves…I won’t tell him why.”

I smile at her as I walk over to my backpack. “Thanks, Y/n.” I pull my wallet out of the front pocket and leave. 

We hike a trail in the woods near the motel. She asks about my choice in major and why I picked Stanford and how excited I am, and it’s good to be able to talk about it with her. I’ve been hiding it all year, hiding my plan to leave for even longer. It’s nice to talk to her about it.

"Pre-law? That would come in handy,” she says. “I mean, one day we’re gonna get caught doin’ something we shouldn’t and it’ll be a good idea to have a lawyer on Team Winchester.”

“Well, I was thinking I’d be a prosecutor, actually. Put the bad guys away,” I answer.

“But y-you know, sometimes the bad guys _are_ the good guys, right?”

“You’ve never felt right about being a con artist and a thief, either, Y/n,” I argue.

“But I understand the necessity, Sammy. We have to make money somehow and credit card scams are better than Dean selling his body.”

I laugh. “You’d probably be more productive as a professional than Dean,” I say, laughing.

“If you really think our brother would let me make money that way, you’re insane. A guy offered to buy me a burger the other day and D. went off about a 'slippery slope’ and 'quid pro quo’,” she says, rolling her eyes. 

Dean is very overprotective of her. It’s almost like he forgets she is the smartest and strongest of us. “Yeah, but I know guys would spend good money for some time with you.”

She blushes and looks down at our feet. I’ve always liked making her blush. It’s interesting…because she’s such a hardass sometimes and she’s been killing monsters for years but she still manages to be innocent when she needs to be. She’s a hundred different things that shouldn’t go together and I love her for it.

“It’ll be nice for you to be able to stay in one place for a few years, right?” she changes the subject and I nod.

“Make some friends, tell 'em lies about my childhood. It’ll be great!” I say with a smile.

“You know they’re gonna freak,” she says quietly. “Dad and Dean, they aren’t going to understand. They’re gonna freak out.”

“I know. Why do you think you were the one I told?” I sigh and start to say more but her words continue first. 

“I mean, Dean will understand but he won’t like it. He acts like he’s never considered any life but the one we have but he has. Of course he has. We’ve had these conversations, these long 'what if’ conversations about how our lives might have been different.”

“Yeah?” That doesn’t seem like Dean.

“Yeah, like…what if Dad hadn’t seen Mom burst into flame? What if he just thought it was a run of the mill house fire that she got caught in?”

“No hunting, no moving, we grow up in Lawrence,” I answer.

“Right. Or what if Dad and Bobby never got into that fight and we got to spend more time with him? What if Singer Salvage was our home?”

“Bobby was more like a dad than Dad ever has been. He wanted us to have a home there.” Bobby wanted more for us. He’d be proud of me for getting into Stanford. 

“Yeah. Most of our what ifs end up being 'What if we had a home?’” She looks over at me and smiles. “You get to have that. Lucky duck.”

“Wish I could take you with me. Then you would get it too.”

“Ah, who would keep Dean alive if we both left him? Can’t do that." 

"You know you’re more than just an extension of Dean, right?” I ask. It’s been on the edge of my mind for years, how sometimes Dean treats her like she’s nothing more than a limb, an extra support…like she’s not even her own separate person. 

She laughs. “I know that! But I am his other half, remember?”

I don’t like that, either. It’s what people call their spouses. “He’s your brother, not your husband.”

She scoffs softly and rolls her eyes. “Come on, Sammy. We all know he’s probably the closest I’m ever gonna get.”

“What’s that mean?” I head off of the trail into a clearing and plop down on the soft grass. She follows me and sits down next to me.

“I’m a twenty-two year old virgin whose first kiss happened less than a month ago with a probie cop so green he puked when he found that werewolf victim and don’t tell Dean about that because he was so nervous about letting me question that guy without him there and the point is that I am gonna get killed on some hunting trip some day before I ever find someone to love me,” she said.

“That’s not true, you’ll find somebody, and you kissed Deputy Burton?” I ask and she nods. “How was it?”

She tucks her hair behind her ears and shrugs. “I dunno. Okay, I guess. I mean, he was real nice and cute but…he tasted like chewing tobacco and he just…” She sighs and looks at the grass. “I just kinda always dreamed my first kiss would be passionate and amazing, push me into a wall and leave me breathless. I guess it’s just…too many teen romance books when I was in high school. Unrealistic expectations.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t everything you imagined but at least Dean can’t tease you for being our ‘Never-kissed sis’.”

“He hasn’t called me that in _years_ ,” she says, laughing as she unzips her bag and pulls out our picnic lunch.

We enjoy our food, talking about our futures and pasts and then I start us on a game of ‘What if?’ as we hike back.

“What if Dad had given us to the state instead of dragging us along for his revenge tour?” I say.

“He almost did, ya know?” she says and I stop in the middle of the trail. She stops and turns to me. “He told me one night after a few rounds with Jim, Jack and Jose. Said he almost gave us up but they were gonna separate us. Mom would’ve wanted us together, ya know?”

I’m very surprised that Dad actually considered it hard enough to find out that we wouldn’t be together if he went through with it…and I kind of wish he had. “Wow.” It’s all I can think to say as I start walking again.

“He made the right choice, so don’t use it against him during your next fight,” she says, following me.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Of what?”

“That he made the right choice,” I clarify. “I mean…the way we were raised, Y/n, it’s-”

“We were fine. We… _you_ never went without anything you needed. Dean and I made sure-”

“That shouldn’t have been on you,” I snap. “That’s what I’m talking about. You were, what, maybe eight when Dad started leaving us behind by ourselves? You were too young to be raising-”

“Sam, that’s not your concern!” she shouts and I immediately clam up.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, pulling her into a hug without even thinking about it. It’s a reflex to try to make her feel better when she’s like this.

“We did the best we could, Sammy. Dean and I-” She sighs into my chest and sniffles. “You came up great. You’re gonna be a real person. That’s all that matters.”

“You’re a real person too, Y/n.”

She laughs and pulls away. “Nah. I’m a hunter. That’s a dozen different kinds of fake, little brother.”

I watch her walk down the trail and I follow a little slower. I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to leave Dean, either, but I really don’t want to leave her to be this fake person she thinks she is. I’m gonna miss her.


	2. Changed

**Summary** : Sam’s back. Jess is gone. The twins are doing their best to be there for him, but they are being more than a little distant from each other.

**Story Warnings** : Dean being an overprotective jerk, Y/n using alcohol as a crutch, a tiny inkling of incestuous feelings from Sam

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Dean and Y/n showed up saying they needed my help to find Dad, I didn’t expect it to end the way it did. I was just supposed to be with them for the weekend and then I was supposed to go back to my damn life. Back to Jessica, back to school, back to normalcy.

Now I’m sitting in this car, the same one I spent half of my childhood stuck in, and normal is a fucking gone. Last week I had to tell them about my visions. I thought Dean was gonna lose his mind, but now…they both just seem so fucking worried about me. Which seems to be the only thing they’re agreeing on these days.

They don’t finish each other’s sentences anymore. They don’t sit crazy-close in diner booths anymore. I haven’t heard Dean call her his ‘other half’ the whole time we’ve been looking for Dad, and they don’t call each other 'Sister’ and 'Brother’ anymore. I wonder what changed?

Y/n is sitting on the curb in front of the motel room when I exit, tapping her phone against her knee. “Hey.” She looks up at me and nods. “Any luck?”

She stops tapping and looks down at her phone. “Nope. I broke down and called Bobby. He was real happy to hear my voice but he hasn’t heard from Dad…which isn’t surprising.” She shoves the phone in her jacket and shakes her head. “Seems like cryptic coordinates from an unlisted number is the only contact _anyone_ has had with the man.”

“Yeah, about that…” I sit down next to her and lean against my knees. “You don’t seem enthusiastic about this job in Illinois. Used to be, you’d follow Dean’s lead on anything without question.”

“Yeah, well, I grew up, Sammy. Sam,” she corrects herself before I can. “And I realized that our father and brother aren’t infallible. I’m tired of these other jobs and monsters. I want to find the thing that killed Mom and be done with it already. I’m tired of living my life in Neutral because I’m expected to do this.”

She looks as frustrated as I am with Dad and Dean. “It’s good to have someone in my corner.”

“I’ve always been in your corner, Sam.” She smiles at me and it’s a small gesture that pulls a ton of weight with me. At least that hasn’t changed in the last four and a half years. Her smile is still magical.

She doesn’t smile as much as she used to. I can’t believe it’s taken me six months to realize that. So much has changed in her. Dean’s pretty much…Dean…but Y/n is…a shadow. She’s not even close to the same person she was.

She drinks now…a lot. She doesn’t read or sing. She sits in the backseat of the car and zones out. She flirts, practically indiscriminately, as soon as she’s got a little whiskey in her blood. Dean scares them away every time but she never says anything about it. I don’t know if it’s because she doesn’t know he’s doing it or because he’s been doing it so long she’s used to it…but it bugs me. Dean’s been encouraging me to get laid but he’s cockblocking Y/n?

That’s incredibly sexist, even for Dean.

“You shouldn’t do that, dude,” I say quietly as Dean returns to the table after chasing another guy away.

“What?” he asks, taking a drink of his beer. I raise an eyebrow but don’t say anything. “Oh, Mr. 'I ride bulls in the rodeo’? Please, she deserves better than those lines.”

“Dean, just in the past month, we’ve been rock stars, talent scouts and Sports Illustrated photographers…why wouldn’t-”

“Because she’s too good to have a one night stand with some lying piece of shit who won’t even remember her name tomorrow! Now, shut up about it, Sam.”

I scoff and roll my eyes. “So she _doesn’t_ know you’re doing it.”

“Of course not! And she’s not gonna know. We got enough problems without you addin’ to 'em.”

“It’s not fair to her. I mean…has she _ever_ …” I don’t really want to think about her having sex with anybody, but I remember her saying that she was going to die a virgin.

“No! She doesn’t have time for that shit!”

“ _You_ do! You have all the time in the world for it!” I argue.

“Yeah, well, I’ve always been a bit of a slut, Sam. This is nothing new.”

“And she’s not allowed to be? You guys are twenty-seven and she probably hasn’t had much more than her first kiss because of you.”

His eyes go wide and he leans forward. “Who’d she kiss?”

I shake my head. “Thank you for proving my point. There’s protective and there’s insane and you’re being insane, Dean.”

“I’m not being-”

“You have to back off-”

Dean looks behind me and leans back. “Table it, Sam.”

“No. You can’t just-”

“Table it,” he demands as Y/n slides into the booth next to me. “How was the jukebox?”

She shrugs and takes a drink of her bourbon. “Some Sabbath, some Heart, 'Stairway’…nothing I’m in the mood for.”

She’s so stressed out. I can see it now.

For some reason, my brain decides to remember how I used to help Jessica de-stress when pre-med got to be too much for her…eating her out for hours until she passed out from overstimulation.

I grimace at the sick thought of helping my sister out like that, cover it with a drink of beer and shift in my seat to relieve the pressure suddenly on my dick.

She does need to get laid, though. Need to get Dean to leave her alone for a few hours. It’s the only way.

Going to the insane asylum in that mood was probably a bad idea. Dr. Ellicott almost made me kill Dean. He made me spew hate at him for everything I’ve been upset about, including his suppression of our sister, and then I tried to put a bullet in him. Dean takes us back to the motel and immediately goes to bed, but Y/n and I stay up a while.

“You wanna take the car and get a drink?” I ask and she bites her lip. “Or we could walk. Urban hiking is pretty popular nowadays.”

She nods. “Yeah. Wouldn’t wanna upset D. by stealing his precious car. Let’s have a walk.”

We’re about three minutes into the walk when I shove my hands in my pockets and clear my throat. “So, you were lucky that Ellicott didn’t get to you. He got me, almost got Dean-”

“He did get me,” she says quietly.

“Oh, really? Who did you rage against?” I ask. I’m sure she didn’t hurt anybody. She didn’t shoot anyone. She did have red eyes and a hoarse voice when we exited the asylum, though.

“Nobody important.”

I let it go. I open the door for her when we get to the bar, pull out a chair at a table because it’s just the two of us and we don’t need a booth. She orders a bourbon on the rocks and I sigh. She didn’t used to drink and now she drinks like Dad.

“So what happened to the straight edge Winchester, huh? No drugs, no drinking, right?”

“It took you six months to notice I drink now?” she asks, humor under her sarcasm.

“No. I noticed immediately. I mean, I noticed the first night I couldn’t sleep and you offered me your flask,” I clarify. “Come on, though. What changed?”

She pulls her knife out of her pocket and starts picking at her nails. “ _I_ changed, Sam.”

“That’s a cop out, Y/n. I was only gone four years. How could you have changed so much in four years?”

“ _You_ changed a lot in four years. Did you expect I’d stay the same?” She clicks her knife closed and sets it in front of her.

I run my hand across the back of my neck. “I didn’t change _that_ much.”

“Neither did I,” she argues softly as the server sets our drinks on the table.

“Did something happen on a job?” I ask, picking up my beer.

“Something happens on every job. Sometimes it’s a kid dying in front of me, sometimes it’s a close call of my own life, sometimes it’s my baby brother moving a wardrobe with his fucking mind and seeing people die before it happens.” She takes a drink. She doesn’t even cringe against the burn. “But you didn’t change _that_ much.”

“Look, I was just…I’ve noticed that you seem…I don’t know, sad?” I lose my nerve a bit at the end and it comes out as a question.

“I’m fine. Mostly just tired,” she dismisses. “Really jealous of the four year break you got to enjoy. Shoulda gone to college.”

I sigh and gulp down half of my beer. “What if…you _had_ gone to college?”

Her eyes sparkle with recognition at the question. “I haven’t played this game in years. And ya know why?” She downs the rest of her whiskey and sets the glass on the table, all the sparkle leaving her eyes in a flood of darkness. “Because it’s childish and stupid to dwell on the might’ve beens. My life is what it is and nothing about it is gonna change until we fucking finish our mission.”

“Y/n,” I start but she interrupts me by standing.

“I’m gonna head back. Pretty tired.” She doesn’t give me a chance to respond before she starts to walk away. I follow her with my eyes before she disappears out into the dark. She’s definitely changed.


	3. Gone

**Summary** : The Winchesters have been smashed by a semi-truck. Dean’s dying from edema in his brain. Y/n won’t wake up and Sam’s fighting with their Dad.

**Story Warnings** : In My Time of Dying (2.01) sads, Y/n being too tired to fight sads (suicidal ideation kinda)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've never felt anything like the fear of loss I'm feeling right now. Standing between the feet of two hospital beds, looking at my brother and sister. They've got machines breathing for them, cardiac monitors beeping with each beat of their hearts. Beating in synch...just like they used to. 

They're in bad shape. They were in horrible shape before that truck hit us. The demon put them through the wringer and then…

What am I gonna do if they don't wake up? 

The doc comes in to tell me Dad's awake and I can see him. "Doc, what about them?" I ask gesturing at the beds and I almost don't want to know.

The doctor sighs and steps into the room closer. "Well, your brother sustained serious injury: blood loss, contusions to his liver and kidney. But it's the head trauma I'm worried about. There's early signs of cerebral edema." Brain swelling? Brain fluid putting pressure on the brain? I can't quite remember what that is.

"Well, what can we do?" I ask.

"Well, we won't know his full condition until he wakes up," the doctor says before adding, " _ If  _ he wakes up."

Fear shoots through me. "If?"

"I have to be honest, most people with this degree of injury wouldn't have survived this long. He's fighting very hard. But you need to have realistic expectations." 

Anger replaces fear at that. 'Realistic expectations'. Realistic?! A  _ demon  _ smashed our car with a semi and I'm supposed to have realistic expectations? This guy is a quack. He doesn't know what's possible. If this dick can't help us, I'll find someone who can; a hoodoo priest or something. 

"And my sister?" I ask through clenched teeth.

"She had similar internal injuries, contusions to her liver and kidneys, a broken rib which punctured her left lung and she had a cardiac tamponade, blood buildup in the sac around the heart. We performed a procedure to drain the blood and relieve the pressure but if it starts to build again, we might have to take her in for surgery."

"But...but no head trauma?" I ask looking over her. Punctured lung, crushed heart...we can get her past that. 

"No. She should be waking up anytime now," the doctor says and I sigh.

Okay. Y/n will be waking up and she can help me and Dad deal. "Which room is my dad in?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I go get the Colt from the back of the car and hand the list Dad gave me to Bobby and of  _ course _ Dad was lying about what the list is for! God, he can't even be honest and forthright when his kids are on the brink of death!

I can barely look at him when I walk back into his room. "You're quiet," he says and I snap, turning and throwing the duffel bag on his bed.

"Did you think I wouldn't find out?" I bite out at him.

"What are you talking about?" I'm not sure if he's playing stupid or if he thinks I'm stupid.

"That stuff from Bobby. You don't use it to ward off a demon, you use it to summon one." Dad looks away, knows he's been caught, but does he look ashamed? No. He looks annoyed. "You're planning on bringing the demon here, aren't you? Having some stupid macho showdown?!"

"I have a plan, Sam," he says, like that's an excuse. Like that makes everything fucking better.

“That’s exactly my point!” I shout. “Dean is dying, Y/n is in a coma, and you have a plan! You know what, you care more about killing this demon than you do saving your own son!”

“Do not tell me how I feel!” Dad shouts back. “I am  _ doing  _ this for them!”

“How? How is revenge going to help them?” I ask. “You’re not thinking about anybody but yourself! It’s the same selfish obsession!” I accuse.

“You know, it’s funny, I thought it was your obsession too! This demon killed your mother, killed your girlfriend.” Like I need him to fucking remind me. “You begged me to be part of this hunt. Now, if you’d killed that damn thing when you had the chance, none of this would have happened!”

“It was possessing you, Dad! I would have killed you, too!” I remind him.

“Yeah, and your brother and sister would be awake right now.”

Like it’s my fault. I take a breath. “Go to Hell.”

“I should have never taken you along in the first place.” He points at me. “I knew it was a mistake. I knew I was wrong to-”

A glass of water flies off of the table over Dad’s lap and crashes to the floor. What the fuck? Dad and I look at each other. It’s a hospital. Lots of dead people. Lots of opportunity for spirits. But…

I turn to look in the hall as a bunch of nurses and doctors run by the doorway. “Something’s going on out there,” Dad says, nodding at the hallway for me to go find out what.

I follow them to Dean and Y/n’s room. Dean’s machine has flatlined. His heart’s not beating. Y/n’s heart rate is elevated, her blood pressure high, but Dean’s dying. “No.” I’m crying. I’m watching the doctor try to bring him back and I’m praying to God that it works and then I hear it. Echoing, far away, filtered through a hundred layers of soundproofing foam.

“ _ I SAID GET BACK! _ ” 

It’s Dean’s voice. I’d recognize it anywhere.

The monitors stop screaming. The nurse says there’s a pulse and he’s back in sinus rhythm. I take a couple steps back from the door, watch as the doctor and the nurses make notes in Dean’s chart. As I’m watching, I feel...something. It feels like Dean, standing on my left side...talking to me. I turn to look where I feel him and there’s nothing there. Of course there’s nothing there. Because he’s right in the bed in front of me.

“Dean was dying, Dad. His heart stopped and I...I felt something,” I say when I get back to Dad’s room.

“What do you mean, you felt something?” he asks.

“I mean it felt like, like Dean. Like he was there, just out of eyeshot or something.” I shake my head. “I don’t know if it’s my psychic thing or what, it...but do you think it’s even possible? I mean, do you think his spirit could be around?”

“Anything’s possible,” Dad answers, nodding. Of course that’s his answer.

“Well, there’s one way to find out,” I say, turning to walk out.

“Where are you going?”

“I gotta pick something up. I’ll be back.”

“Wait, Sam.” I stop in the doorway and turn back to him. “I promise I won’t hunt this demon. Not until we know Dean’s okay.” I nod. Not that I believe him. I just don’t have the energy to fight with him right now. I have to go to the store. 

As I pick up the spirit board, I know Dean would laugh at me. And Y/n, well, she's always hated the idea of civilians fucking with spirits, so she would glare at me for it. But I'm not a civilian and I need to fucking talk to Dean. I take it to his room and look down at them. 

"Hey. I think maybe you're around. And if you are, don't make fun of me for this, but um, well, there's one way we can talk." I pull the box out and circle Dean's bed to sit on the floor. I open it up and pull out the board and the planchette and set it up. "Dean? Dean, are you here?" I ask, fingers on the planchette.

It takes a minute but planchette slides, pointing to 'YES' and I gasp. I laugh, relieved that Dean is there and I'm not crazy. "It's good to hear from you, man. It hasn't been the same without you, Dean." I look over at Y/n, still asleep in the next bed, breathing on her own though. They’ve taken her breathing tube out. "Is-is Y/n with you?" It moves away, then points to 'YES' again. "Why isn't she waking up? She's not dying, the doctor said-"

The planchette moves to the R, then the E, then the F. "R-E-F, 'refuse'? She refuses to wake up?" I ask and the thing moves back to 'YES'. "Why would she refuse to wake up?!" It confuses and aggravates me that she would  _ choose _ to stay away from me. Us. Stay away from us.

The planchette doesn't move for a minute, then it moves quickly across the board. Y-E-L-O-W-E-Y-E-S. My throat clenches. The demon said some horrible things when it was possessing Dad and I knew it was gonna hit her hard, but I didn't think it would hit her  _ this  _ hard.

I look over at her, sadness filling me. But then the planchette starts moving again. Dean tells me there’s a reaper in the hospital...and it’s after him. I go to ask Dad for help and he’s fucking gone. 

I grab Dad’s journal and head back to the twin’s room. I sit on the edge of Dean’s bed and look down on him. “Hey. So, Dad wasn’t in his room. But I got Dad’s journal, so who knows? Maybe there’s something there.”

I look over the entry on reapers. Nothing catches my eyes, but I’m hoping something catches Dean’s. I close the journal and set it on Dean’s lap, turning my attention to Y/n.

I pull a chair in between their beds and turn to Y/n, picking up her hand so she knows I'm there. "You're not worthless," I whisper. "The demon...he was just trying to hurt you. You're needed. I need you."

I do need her. It's easy to overlook everything she does for me, for Dean, for Dad, because she does it without even mentioning it but she helps hold us together. She always has.

The demon said she was a 'worthless addition, an appendage of the least important Winchester' and I could see it in her eyes, she believed it. 

"I'll prove you're worth more than that. You're worth more than that to me...Y/n, you-you kept me alive the last year. You kept me going after Jess died. You helped more than you could possibly know." I take a deep breath and let tears fall down my cheeks. "So, I need you to wake up, okay? I need you to wake up and help me through this because...I can't do this without you. Es-especially if Dean doesn’t wake up. I can’t do this alone.”

I kiss her knuckles and turn to Dean. When he wakes up and starts choking on his breathing tube, Y/n stays out. I call for the doctor and move out of the way, looking to Y/n like I expect her to wake up too, but she doesn’t. As they rush Dean for scans and tests, I sit on her bed and look down at her. “It’s your turn. Come on, Y/n. You gotta wake up now. Please.” It takes another fifteen minutes, but her eyes start to blink open. I tuck her hair behind her ears and smile down at her. “Hey.”

“Hey, Sammy,” she whispers. 

“You didn’t wanna wake up.” It’s all I can say. She looks away, eyes sad. “Y/n, why wouldn’t you want to wake up?”

“I’m tired,” she croaks.

“You’ve been sleeping the last two days.”

“No, Sam, I’m  _ tired _ ,” she says, turning to look at me again. “I don’t want to do this anymore. That reaper...she was gonna take me too.” I don’t get it. She- “She said I could go with Dean if I wanted...and I wanted to go.”

“You...what?”

“I’m sorry. It was just...I was just…” She swallows and looks away again. “I was being stupid. I’m sorry.”

I don’t have time to respond because they roll Dean back in. He looks angry, a sour look on his face as the nurses help him into his bed. As soon as they leave, I explain to Dean everything that happened. He doesn’t remember anything. He glares at Y/n, though, so I’m not sure how true that is. I leave to get the doctor, find out what’s going on with Dean now, and when I get back I can hear Dean berating her.

“-don’t even know what happened, D.”

“I heard enough, Y/n! Some reaper was tryin’ to take me and you were volunteering to accompany me! You were tryin’ to  _ die _ !”

“I wasn’t trying to-”

“You were gonna go with me!  _ I _ was fighting and you refused! How fuckin’ selfish could you be?! You don’t get to give up! I don’t give a fuck how tired you are!”

“You don’t understand.”

“I don’t? Are you fuckin’ kidding me? Everything you been through, I been through. Every loss, every blow,  _ everything,  _ and we always keep fighting. So excuse me if I don’t agree with your little suicide plan.”

“It wasn’t-”

I enter the room and they look away from each other. “It’ll be okay, guys. We all survived. Nobody’s gone.” I sit on the chair between their beds and smile at them. We’ll get past this.


	4. Possessed

**Summary** : (Meg’s POV followed by Sam’s POV) Meg has taken over Sam’s body. Y/n doesn’t know, but she’ll figure it out soon enough.

 **Pairing** : Meg!Sam x Sister!Reader **  
**

 **Word count** : 2102

 **Story Warnings** : noncon touching, semi-incestuous kissing, demon possession, Dean sads, Sam sads

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now that we’ve got your brother and sister chasing their tails, trying to figure out what’s wrong with you, let’s have a minute to explore Sam’s psyche.

Wow. There is a _lot_ going on here, Sam. You got some deep dark in you, don’t you?

_Shut up. Get out!_

Oh, it doesn’t work like that, but A for effort, hon. Now, let’s take a stroll through Sammy’s unmentionables. You have a weird attachment to those twin siblings of yours. Like, more than it seems from the outside and it is _obvious_ from the outside, kid.

That would just fucking break you, wouldn’t it?

_What? What are you going to do?_

Don’t wanna ruin the surprise now, do I?

“Hey, uh, Y/n. Will you come with me to get some burgers or something? I don’t really trust…I mean, last time I…ya know…”

“Yeah, of course, Sammy.” She grabs her jacket and smiles as we walk out of the motel toward the diner half a mile away. She’s really not up to taking Dean’s car, is she? What’s she afraid he’s gonna do to her? “You know we’re gonna figure this out, right?”

How sweet. “Yeah, I know. But if you don’t-”

“Out of the question, Sam. Dad should have never laid that on him in the first place!”

“But if I’m going dark, Y/n-”

“You’re not,” she says, with all the Winchester certainty. “There’s something else going on here and we’re gonna figure it out.”

Loyal family, huh?

_Don’t touch her!_

“You seem so sure of yourself.”

She shakes her head. “I’m sure of _you_ , Sammy.”

Wow. Can you say ‘cheesy’?

I reach out and run a hand over her hair and she smiles up at me…until I grab a fistful and start walking her into an alley. “The smart move would’ve been to ice me when you found out I offed that hunter. But you and Dean never were the smart ones, were you?” She wraps her hand around the fist in her hair and I just lift her so she’s scrabbling her feet against the gravel.

“You’re not Sam,” she groans, fingernails digging into the skin.

I let his eyes go black. “No. But I had you fooled, didn’t I? You and Dean rushing around, cleanin’ my mess. Trying so hard to save dear Sammy.” I slam her back against the wall of the alley and pull a knife from Sam’s pocket. “Ya know, Sam really likes knives. He doesn’t play with them how I do, though. You wanna see what I like to do with a knife?”

She gets this look on her face and I really wanna slice it off. “If you’re gonna kill me, just do it. Stop talking and get it done.”

She wants to die, doesn’t she?

_No! Don’t do this!_

I bring the knife to her neck and press it into her skin until I smell blood. She doesn’t fucking move!

What the fuck is wrong with your sister, Sam? Fine. Step it up, then.

I grab the collar of her shirt and rip it down the middle. She doesn’t flinch as I grab her tit and twist roughly. “Wow, you are a fuckin’ statue, aren’t you? You dead inside or something, girl?”

“I’ve had worse,” she says, glaring at me.

“Worse? Worse than baby brother stripping you down and fucking destroying you? 'Cause I’ve had his body a few days, I know what he’s packing, and damn…I am gonna do some damage with it.”

She flinches at that. Fucking finally! I thought I was gonna have to feed 'er her liver before I got a reaction. “You’re _not_ my brother,” she says, her lip curling up in disgust.

“But if I take this hammer he’s got and shove it inside you, would you really be able to distinguish between us?”

I don’t wait for a reaction this time, wrapping Sam’s hand around her throat and cutting off her air supply. Can’t do what I want in the middle of this alley. I wait for her eyes to roll and her body to go slack and then I throw her over his shoulder, carrying her into a warehouse off the alley and pulling her clothes off. I strap her to a table with ratchet straps I find in the building. I know she can get out of a knot so I won’t tie her to a chair.

_Let her go!_

You’re boring me, Sammy. You know, she has a nice body. Maybe I should have taken her. Not that your body isn’t good. I don’t know. I just like a female meat suit, you know? Maybe I’ll take it once she’s done with it.

_You can’t take her!_

Sam, I can do whatever the fuck I want.

She groans and I turn my attention to her, watch fear flood her eyes as she realizes her situation…but then it’s just fucking gone. What the fuck? “I was just saying how much I love this tight little body you’ve got. Think I’m gonna trade up from Sam. After you’re dead, of course.” Nothing. This _bitch_! “You know what?”

I flick open Sam’s knife and jam it into her abdomen. She screams as the knife punctures her liver. “That organ still isn’t completely healed, is it? That must hurt.” I cover her mouth with his hand and twist the blade.

I’m enjoying her screams when Sam’s phone starts going off. It’s gotta be…"Dean!“ I answer in a panicked tone. "I can’t find Y/n!” She squirms weakly but she’s already losing too much blood. Internal bleeding is a bitch.

“What do you mean?” Awww, he’s panicking now, too.

“We-we were getting burgers and I guess I said something that freaked her out and she ran off and-and…I don’t- Dean, I-” I roll my eyes. “I blacked out again. I-”

“I’m sure she’s fine, Sammy. I-I’m…she’s fine.”

“No, I don’t think so. I have blood on my hands again. I don’t know that it’s Y/n’s but-”

“You didn’t!” Dean barks and I smile. So in denial. “She’s fine. That’s…that’s someone else’s blood. She’s fine. I’ll call her right now and-and she…she’s fine.” He takes a deep breath and sighs heavily. “Where are you, Sam?”

“I don’t know, some warehouse. I’m just-”

“Find a street sign, man! Where are you?”

“I’ll just-I’ll come back to the motel. We can regroup and look for Y/n,” I say.

“Yeah, I’m gonna call her. See ya,” Dean says and I hang up, looking down at her as her phone starts going off in her pants on the floor.

Her eyes are starting to go dim, light leaving those pretty greens. “Leave the knife or take it?” I muse. She just looks away, tiredly. I grab her chin and force her head back around. “You keep it. Last gift from baby brother.” I lean down and kiss her, slap her cheek and leave her with Sam’s knife in her gut.

Now let’s see if this is enough to push Dean over the edge.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is the second time in six months that Y/N’s been in a hospital bed, fighting for her life…or not fighting. God, please…I hope she’s fighting.

“She still out?” Dean asks, walking into the hospital room. He hands me a cup of coffee and flops down in the chair on the opposite side next to her bed.

“What if she doesn’t wake up this time, Dean?”

“She will,” he says, putting his feet up on the end of her bed and opening up a newspaper.

“She didn’t want to wake up last time. She-”

“She _will_ ,” he snaps. “She’s not gonna leave us, Sam. She’s not going to be so selfish.”

I lean forward and put my hand on her shoulder. “She’s tired. She was tired months ago and now…Dean, I did this.”

“No. Meg did. Meg put that knife in her, not you,” Dean says, but I can tell he blames me as much as I do. “She’s not so tired that she’s gonna give up. She’s too strong. Too smart. Too loyal to _you_.”

I look across the bed at him. “What does that mean?”

He keeps looking at the newspaper. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Then why did you say it?”

He sighs and looks up. “She wouldn’t want to hurt you, Sam. That’s all. She wouldn’t leave you to fend without her, so she’s gonna wake up and deal because that’s what we do.”

“She’s loyal to you, too.” I say it, but I know it’s different. I know they’ve drifted. I know how much that hurts him. I wish I could help.

“Sure,” Dean agrees, before looking back down at the newspaper.

“Dean,” I start, but I don’t know exactly how to ask so what comes out is, “What changed?”

“I dunno,” he answers before shrugging. “She got tired of me, I guess. She…pulled away years ago, Sammy.”

“Why? When? What _happened_?”

“You left. It was just me an’ her and Dad and she…” He shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. She’ll come back around when she’s ready. Eventually, she’ll remember…and if she doesn’t…well, I’m still here for her.”

His eyes move to her face and he looks devastated. There’s so much loss on his face. I feel almost guilty that she’s gotten close to me since I came back. “She knows you are, Dean.”

“Yeah.” He sighs and picks the newspaper back up. “She’s gonna wake up and we’re gonna find another job.” I nod and reach out to pick up Y/n’s hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Do you remember it?” Y/n asks as Dean drives us to Springfield. She’s laid out in the back, trying to make sure the stab wound isn’t compressed.

“Not…not really. I have flashes. I remember the knife going in, though,” I answer, quietly.

“That’s all?” she asks.

I think back, trying to remember more than just the way she screamed when Meg stabbed her. ‘ _I’ve had worse_ ’ pops up in my head. “You talked back to her. I remember that. Taunted her?”

“No,” she says, just a little too vehemently. “I wasn’t _taunting_ her.”

“Sure seemed like-” She glares daggers at the back of Dean’s head. I take the hint.

“I wasn’t taunting her. I was just trying to get her to move, slip up or whatever.” She sighs and shifts in the backseat. “It’s not a big deal, Sam. Promise.”

Why do they both downplay everything they’re feeling all the time?

I wait until Dean stops at a gas station and then I turn to her. “Seriously, are you okay?”

“Of course I am.”

“Y/n, talk to me,” I say quietly.

“Sam, come on. Let it go.”

“‘I’ve had worse’. That’s what you said to Meg when she was threatening you…with something…horrible.” I’m not exactly sure what the demon was threatening her with, but I remember her shirt was ripped open and I can guess. She looks away from me, stares at the roof of the car. “You’ve had worse, Y/n?”

“Why does it matter? I haven’t had worse than the four inch blade she put in my liver so obviously I was wrong to fuck with her,” she says.

I get a flash of Meg, of _me_ , leaning down and kissing her, shoving my tongue in Y/n’s mouth. I can taste her, feel her lips warming mine. I swallow and look away toward the convenience store. “She was going to rape you and you didn’t even flinch. You taunted her. W-what happened to you that’s so much worse?”

“I flinched,” she whispers. I turn back to look at her again. “I _always_ flinch.”

“What does that-”

“I’m the weak link. I’m the one who flinches. Every time. Meg knew that. Dad knew that. Dean does too.” She chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “You’ll see it, eventually.”

“No, I won’t,” I promise her.

She just smiles tightly as Dean pulls open his door and sits down behind the wheel. “Road snacks and drinks! Coke for the sasquatch, bottled water for the liver-impaired, jerky, chips, and granola…” Dean rolls his eyes as he tosses a bag of honey oats at me. “All right. Let’s get back on the interstate.”

“Wanna share that bird food, Sammy?” she asks, like she wasn’t just talking shit about herself.

“Sure,” I say, ripping open the bag and handing it back to her. She smiles and grabs a handful, shoveling it into her mouth. Someday I’m going to fix her heart.


	5. Try

**Summary** : Sam doesn’t understand why Y/n won’t try harder to save Dean from Hell.

 **Story Warnings** : Dean going to Hell sads.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“There’s nothing we can do, Sammy!” Y/n argues quietly. Dean’s asleep and neither of us want to wake him up.

“There has to be _something_!” I snap. “He sold his soul, Y/n. He’s going to Hell. We can’t-”

“What do you propose we do about it, huh? We try to stop it and _you_ die again. Dean and I can’t handle that.”

“But you can handle him going to _Hell_?” I ask. “That’s your twin brother and you’re just gonna let it happen?”

“Yes! He asked for my support and I’m going to give it to him. He made his choice, okay, and he chose _you_. I can’t fault him for it.” She looks over at Dean passed out on the bed and shakes her head. “I’m gonna lose one of you, either way. At least, this way it’s planned. This way, we know it’s coming.”

“He’s going to Hell and you don’t look like you even care.”

Rage crosses her face and I feel bad about it as she takes a deep breath. “Screw you, Sam. Of _course_ I care. What kinda horrible person do you take me for? But he came to me and he asked me to support him, to keep _you_ alive. What do you want me to do?”

“Anything. Anything other than start building him a funeral pyre already. There has to be some kind of option, something to keep him from going to Hell. _I_ can’t let him go down like that, Y/n. Not for me,” I answer.

“He’s got a year. Do you really wanna spend the little bit of time we got left chasing our tails?”

“That’s not fair. I can’t just let it happen.”

“You should. You should let it happen because otherwise I lose you…and if we lose you, I’m gonna lose Dean, too. He’ll never forgive me for letting you die _again_.” She looks away, shaking her head.

It dawns on me that she blames herself for my death. Dean must, too, but Y/n didn’t do anything to fix it. “You didn’t let me die the first time,” I whisper.

“I sure didn’t get there in time to stop it,” she responds, standing. “I can’t see you dead again, so…I can’t help with this.”

“Y/n.”

“I’m sorry, Sammy.” She pats my shoulder and walks out of the motel room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We’re running out of time.” Dean’s got less than a month left. I’m counting down and the time just keeps ticking.

“I know.”

“And you’re just going to let him-” She sighs and shakes her head. She’s given up. I can tell. I don’t understand why but she refuses to help me help him. “Y/n, why won’t you try? Just…just try.”

“We’re getting down to the wire. You’re gonna make a mad dash, some hail Mary, but Dean is going down. He has to.”

“When did you get so heartless?” I snap. I immediately regret it, but she just glares up at me.

“I’m not heartless, Sam. I am a realist. One of us has to be,” she snaps. She pokes me in the chest and sneers. “When he dies, _one_ of us has to be prepared. One of us has to have it in their head that he’s gonna be gone next month and one of us has to be ready for it. You obviously aren’t gonna be the one to do it.”

She runs her hand through her hair. “You remember what happened when the Trickster got ahold of us? You remember how nuts you went?”

“I didn’t go nuts. I was having a hard time.”

“You went insane. You disappeared, started hunting like a madman.” I roll my eyes. “Look. You are not ready for this. You won’t be when it happens. I will be. And if you let me, Sam, I’ll help you through.”

I scoff and shake my head. “I’m not ready to give up. And I don’t think I ever will be.”

“Then you’re a fool, little brother.”

“Then I’m a fool,” I snap back.

“Not gonna argue on that,” she says before walking away from me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bobby’s built a pine box. Y/n keeps trying to convince me to burn Dean but I can’t. I’m gonna get him back and he’s gonna need a body.

“Sam, please. We burn our fallen. We burned Dad. We burned Jim. Please,” she begs.

“I can’t do that. Please understand why I can’t do that.” She wipes at the tears in her eyes, avoids looking at the backseat of the Impala. Dean’s car. He left it to me. Why didn’t he leave it to her?

She’s trying to keep her cool, but it looks like she’s finally breaking as she grabs my shirt and buries her face in my chest. “He wouldn’t want to be a ghost. He wouldn’t want that. That’s how the reaper convinced him back before Dad died. Please, Sammy,” she begs but I can’t. I’m going to get Dean back and she can’t stop me.

“I’m gonna get him back, Y/n, or I’m gonna die trying.”

“That’s what I’m scared of!”

I pry her hands off of me and step back. “I have to do this. I have to try.”

I pull Dean out of the back and place him in the box. I shed my tears. Bobby and I hammer the lid on and put the box in the ground, covering it with dirt. I kiss Y/n’s forehead and get in the car, driving off and leaving her behind with Bobby. He’ll take care of her.


	6. Dismissed

**Summary** : Sam meets Jesse. 

**Story Warnings** : mentions of Dean dying, mentions of Hell, allusions to Dom!Sam

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven’t seen Y/n in two months. I guess that’s a good thing since I’ve been spending so much time with Ruby…and what I’ve been doing with her. I miss her, though, so it’s a bit of a blessing when I roll up on a hunt and see her standing at the crime scene in her pantsuit, talking to the sheriff. She turns at the sound of the Impala, smiles bright for a second before turning back to the man she’s questioning.

I notice a skinny man with shaggy brown hair standing beside her. He’s wearing a cheap blue suit and he’s jotting something down in a small notepad. She’s found a hunting partner.

“Agent Snider, it’s nice of you to join us,” she says as I approach. Great, she’s never gonna forget catching me lip-synching Twisted Sister into her hairbrush.

“Sorry I’m late. Traffic from the Phoenix field office was terrible.”

“Agent Dunn, will you finish the interview? I’ll get Sam here up to speed.”

“Yeah, o’ course,” the guy with the hair says. He’s got an accent but I’m not sure what kind.

Y/n walks away and I follow her over to the Impala. “Where have you been?” she asks, quietly.

“Around. Who’s your partner?” I ask and she blushes.

“His name is Jesse. Bobby set us up. He didn’t want me hunting solo like my dumbass little brother.”

‘Dumbass’…might be accurate. “He any good?”

She looks back at him and smiles before turning back to me. “No.” She laughs and it’s been a long time since I’ve heard that sound. Just pure, unadulterated happiness pouring out of her. “But he follows my lead and he’s a good shot when his gun doesn’t jam and he thinks I’m special and I think he’s amazing so…”

Oh, she’s not just hunting with him. It makes me examine him again. Closer look at his face and his hair and his bright blue eyes. Something kind of like jealousy comes over me. He’s not handsome. She’s way too pretty for him. But he makes her happy, that much is obvious.

“So you guys are dating?”

She nods, happily. “Yeah. We are. He actually likes me.”

God, Dean chasing away every guy that ever looked at her really fucked with her self esteem. “Of course he does.” She blushes and looks back at him. “So, what’s going on with this hunt?”

“Looks like ghost possession. Sorta reminds me of that job in Illinois, the insane asylum with the fucky doctor?”

I nod. “Dr. Ellicott. I remember. You know, you never told me who you went off on.”

Her smile falters for a second, then returns. “Well, I was in that padded room by myself, Sammy, so I really only had one option, didn’t I?” Her tone is happy, but she’s not.

“You freaked out on yourself?” I ask, quietly.

“It’s not a big deal. It was nothing. Just needed to work some shit out and it’s worked. Seriously. Now, you gonna stick around and work this with me and Jesse or are you gonna disappear like you did after we put Dean in the ground?“

I deserve that, I guess. "I’m gonna stay. Gotta meet your boyfriend, don’t I?” She beams at the word.

I learn that Jesse is Irish. Well, he’s Bostonian, but his accent is Irish. “Well, I ain’ been in it as long as she ‘as so I don’ mind takin’ a backseat ta my ashtore. She knows ‘er way ‘round a hunt a lot better than I could ever dream.”

“I’ve been doing it for a lifetime. As long as you keep learning, you’ll stay alive,” she says, taking a drink of her beer.

“I got you ta keep me alive, right?” he says with a smile and I don’t like that much. She shouldn’t have to worry about keeping this skinny jerk alive. She laughs, though. She smiles so bright that I have to smile back. “So, she da take-charge one in yer family, Sam?”

“Uh, she…she used to follow our brother’s lead…when we were growing up, anyway. She’s always been…” My first thought on how to end that sentence is ‘submissive to Dean’. But that’s not quite right. She’s never been really _submissive_ to anybody except Dad…and it’s not a kinky thing, but part of me wants her to submit to me. There’s something for me to prove there.

“Earth to Sam.” Y/n’s voice pulls me out of my head. “You were saying something. I’ve always been…what?” Her eyes are wide, expectant.

“Waiting for your time to shine,” I cover with a smile. “It’s too bad Dean’s not around to see how you’ve blossomed.”

She looks at the mouth of her beer bottle for a moment and she gets this weird look on her face. As much as she’s ‘blossomed’ since Dean’s been gone, she’s fucking sad as hell that he’s gone. “I’m sure I wouldn’t have blossomed if Dean were here to see it,” she says before taking a drink.

I want to argue about that, because it paints a bad picture of Dean, but…it’s true. There’s a reason she didn’t blossom until Dean died and it’s his overprotective, overbearing crazy nature.

“Ah, yer brother was jus’ tryin’ ta keep ya safe, then, wasn’ ‘e?” Jesse defended.

“I know. He was my twin…always trying for me.” She smiles at him and leans over to kiss him. Her lips move against his and she wraps her right hand around the back of his neck and pulls him closer. As she opens her mouth and starts Frenching him, I feel like I should look away, but I can’t. It’s almost mesmerizing how her tongue moves against his. When she pulls back, cheeks pink with embarrassment, I can finally tear my eyes away. “I love you,” she whispers to him.

“Love you, too, ma asthore.” I’m gonna have to Google that. Obviously, it’s a Gaelic term of endearment, but I have to know what it really means.

Treasure. It means treasure. This guy really knows how to lay it on thick. But she eats it up. He’s giving her so much attention and she’s definitely not used to it.

He’s not that bad of a hunter and Y/n was right, he does follow directions. We gank the ghost in under two days, Jesse watching our backs with salt rounds while Y/n and I do the heavy lifting. I want to stay with her, get to know Jesse a bit more before I head off again, but Ruby calls me.

“You’re leaving again, aren’t you?” she asks when I walk back into the motel room from answering the phone.

“Yeah…I…I have to-” My brain refuses to come up with a suitable excuse, but I can tell I don’t really need one. She just walks over and wraps her arms around me. I return the hug and kiss the top of her head.

“I miss you, Sammy. Call me more often, okay?”

“I will,” I promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Dean comes back, after I get past the euphoria of him being alive, my first thought is him finding out about Ruby. My second worry is ‘how is Dean going to react to Jesse and Y/n?’

“Have you heard from Y/n?” I ask as we drive to see Bobby’s psychic.

“Bobby called ‘er. Said she’s down in Mexico with…” His jaw clenches, then unclenches as he takes a deep breath. “…her boyfriend.”

“Oh, so he told you about Jesse?”

Dean turns to look at me for a moment, then looks back to the road. “H-have you met him?”

“Yeah, a couple months ago. He’s…he’s not bad. She…they’re good together,” I finish.

“But what’s he like? Is he nice? Does he treat her good? Is he a Zeppelin fan? What’s he drive?” he asks, rapid-fire.

I scoff and laugh. “He drives a Toyota pickup. I don’t know what his music preferences are, it didn’t come up. He treats her great, as far as I could tell. Never seen her smile so big and it’s been a long time since I saw her blush so much, ya know? He’s nice, but…not the sharpest guy I’ve ever met. Seems a bit slow for Y/n, but maybe she likes ‘em like that.”

He licks his lips and shakes his head. “She’s fuckin’ an idiot?”

“I wouldn’t call him an idiot, but…she’s too smart for him, yeah.”

“And she _is_ fucking this guy?” Dean asks. Why does it matter to him if they’re sleeping together? Why is he always so obsessed with her sex life?

“I didn’t _see_ them fuck, but yeah, I’m pretty sure, Dean,” I answer. He groans and his grip on the steering wheel tightens. “I’m sure he’s worth it, man. She seemed really happy.”

She looks ecstatic when she shows up and Dean answers the door. Shocked and happy as hell. I watch from the library as Dean smiles. “Well, you look like you’ve seen a ghost, sister.”

“Dean,” she says, full of awe. “I can’t believe-” She bounces forward and hugs him tight, her head against his chest. Dean holds her tight to him, looking like he doesn’t want to let her go, but she pulls back and looks up at him. “How?”

“Well…long story, but…you still believe in angels?” he asks.

“Well, she still prays ev’ry night, if that manes anything to ya,” Jesse’s voice comes through the door and I watch Dean’s face as he analyzes him. He doesn’t look impressed at all.

“Oh, Dean. This…this is Jesse, my boyfriend. Jesse, my twin brother…back from Hell,” Y/n introduces, stepping away from Dean and grabbing Jesse’s hand.

“Nice ta meet ya, Dane. I’ve haired all about’cha,” he says, reaching his hand out.

Dean smiles a fake smile and takes Jesse’s hand for a handshake. “Wish I could say the same, man, but all Bobby had to say was ‘Jesse O’Reilly out of Boston, he’s good people’.” Dean hums. “Didn’t know you had a cool accent. My sister’s always had a thing for accents. Irish, right?”

“Yeah. Me mum came over from Dublin when she was a lass,” Jesse says. “She had cousins in Boston so, that’s where she ended up.”

Dean didn’t seem impressed, a glazed-over look taking his eyes. “Sounds like the American dream. You been in the life long?”

“Since ma girl’s daughter got eaten by a witch. Drained the life outta her right in front'a me. Nothin’ I could do ‘bout it.”

“Yeah. Kids goin’ is the worst way to get in.” Dean shakes his head and turns his eyes back on Y/n. “Well, I was just about to go on a supply run. Bobby’s a little low on edible food and potent potables so…Come with me? I’d love to catch up on your last four months.”

Jesse squeezes her hand and leans down to kiss her. Dean looks away, obviously uncomfortable watching them kiss, but I love watching it for some reason. The way she goes to her tiptoes and wraps her arm around his neck for extra leverage, the way she’s almost panting when she pulls out of the kiss, how she runs the tip of her nose down the bridge of his. “I love you,” she whispers.

“Tá mo chroí istigh ionat, my ashtore,” Jesse says, and Dean rolls his eyes, but Y/n blushes deeply and I think that’s gorgeous.

“We’ll be back soon. Why don’t you go give Bobby and Sam their presents?”

“Nice talkin’ to ya, Lucky Charms,” Dean jokes as they leave.

Jesse picks up a bag and brings it into the library. “Heya, Sam. How’s tricks?” he says, dropping the bag on the desk and unzipping it.

“Um…good? How was Mexico?” I ask.

“T’was great! We were on a shifter hunt, took it down right quick an’ then we was sittin’ on a beach wit’ cervezas an’ tequila sunrises. We stopped by a curio shop on the way back up, picked a coupl’a things up. She saw this’un, thought it would be perfect for ya,” he says, pulling out an old, leatherbound book. It’s a first edition Dickens. “An’ we got this Asian thing fer Bobby,” he says, pulling out a box.

I open the lid to see an ancient-looking porcelain doll. “I’m sure he’ll love it.”

“So, that’s Dane, huh?” he asks. I nod. “He seems less welcomin’ than you were. How, uh, how’d he get back?”

“We’re still kinda working on that,” I answer. “But it looks like…he was freed from Hell by an angel named Castiel.” I shake my head and look away from him. I really hope that’s true. I’ve spent my whole life waiting for some answer to all of my prayers.

“Are they…she hasn’ talked much ‘bout ‘im, are they close?”

“They _were_. For years and years, they were closer than anyone I’ve known. Like twins are supposed to be, ya know?” I lean against Bobby’s desk and shrug. “Something changed when I was away at college. I’m not sure when or what, but…” I click my tongue against my teeth. “She loves him. There’s no doubt how much she loves him, but they aren’t as close as they used to be. I mean, they used to…spend every hour of their days with each other, by choice not because they didn’t have anyone else to spend it with.”

I stand straight and pick my book up. “Maybe it’ll get back to how it used to be now. Now that he’s back from Hell, maybe they’ll remember who they were together.”

Dean and Y/n bring in groceries and we put them away. They seem like they _are_ doing better. They’re both smiling, singing Zeppelin under their breaths. Y/n doesn’t seem to be keeping her distance as much as she usually does with Dean. He puts his hand on her shoulder and she actually leans into it for a minute before she turns away to put up the beer.

As soon as Jesse comes in and starts with the PDA, Dean finds something better to do. “Gonna go check the oil in my baby. I’m gonna assume you didn’t do an oil change while I was downstairs.”

He’s right. I didn’t.

“So…Dean’s back. Are you…how are you feeling about it?” I ask a bit later. Jesse has disappeared, leaving me and Y/n together alone while Bobby’s researching the Apocalypse.

“I’m ecstatic, of course,” she says, but there’s an edge to it.

“Yeah, I can tell,” I tease, leaning closer to her. “What’s really on your mind, Y/n?”

She rubs her hand across her mouth and looks around. “I’m worried. How he’s gonna be with Jesse. How Hell might have changed him. How…What he said about the end of the world? I don’t…Sammy, what the fuck is happening? I don’t…this whole thing is…”

“Overwhelming?” I finish for her.

She laughs lightly. “Yeah. Overwhelming. Exactly. I just…I got in such a good groove with Jesse over the summer and now Dean is back and everything is going to change and I don’t know that that’s a good thing.”

“I know what you mean. I got in a groove this summer, too, but…things are better when we’re together.”

“Oh? Then where were you all summer, Sam?” she asks.

“I…” I swallow and run my hand through my hair. “I had to work things through. I couldn’t stick around, being reminded of Dean every time I looked in your eyes. I needed time.”

She nods and looks away from me. “Yeah, I needed time, too.” She pats my shoulder and walks away.

I’m sitting at Bobby’s desk, reading a copy of Revelations, when I hear the sound of sobbing. “But why?!” Y/n cries.

“I can’t. Is too crazy, Y/n. Too much. I’m sorry,” Jesse says.

I stand up and watch as Jesse walks away, leaving Y/n crying in the hallway. I bring her into the library and sit with her on the sofa. She’s crying into my chest, tears soaking my shirt, but I don’t mind. I just want her to feel better. Dean walks in, wiping his hands on a greasy rag. “What happened?” he asks.

“Jesse left me!” she shouts into my chest. She pulls back a little but I don’t let her move too far. “H-he said he can’t handle how intense and crazy my life is around my family! What does that even mean?”

Dean doesn’t look surprised that Jesse broke up with her. He bites his bottom lip and moves to sit on the opposite side of her. “Well, your twin brother was just resurrected by an angel who pulled his ass out of _Hell_. I could see where that might be considered ‘intense’. He’s an idiot if he doesn’t want to stay…and a coward.” He sets his hand on her back and rubs it down her spine. “You still got us, though. You got me and Sammy an’ Bobby.”

“I thought he was the One,” she cries, dropping her head to my shoulder.

“The One’s a myth, Y/n, and if it were real…you think some cowboy wannabe with a hoop in his ear is gonna be it for you?” Dean asks.

“I just don’t understand why!” She buries her face in my shoulder as Dean rubs her back more as Bobby walks in with a bottle of bourbon. I push her to sit up and Bobby hands her the bottle.

“Men are stupid, girl. Sometimes there ain’t a ‘why’. But you best believe he’s gonna get a piece of my mind fer treatin’ you like this,” Bobby says.

Dean’s eyes go a bit wide and I know that he’s the reason Jesse walked out that door. He’s the ‘why’.

Y/n twists the cap off the bottle and shakes her head. “Nah. He doesn’t wanna be with me? Fuck ‘im. I don’t need him,” she says, before taking a long drag from the bottle. She wipes her eyes with the back of her hand and swallows. “I got my family back.”

“Yeah. You’ve got your family back.” Dean’s back. I’m back. I know we can do this together.


	7. Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little extra River to help Scarlette through Shelter in Place ;)

**Summary** : Sam tries to explain his reasoning on drinking the demon blood.

 **Story Warnings** : mentions of Dean dying, mentions of Hell, mentions of blood drinking, angst

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I fucked up. Dean and Y/n saw me drink the demon blood. I needed it. I couldn’t stop myself. But the looks on their faces. The shock and disgust. They haven’t said a word about it, yet. They’re both so fucking quiet. Where’s the anger? Where’s the screaming? I need them to get it over with.

“All right. Let’s hear it,” I start.

Dean looks over at me, then back to the road. “What?”

“Drop the bomb, man. You guys saw what I did. Come on. Stop the car, take a swing.”

“I’m not gonna take a swing,” he says, quietly.

“Then scream, chew me out,” I demand. I need him to do something.

“I’m not mad, Sam,” he responds.

I scoff and turn to look at Y/n. She’s avoiding looking at me, but she doesn’t look _mad_ either. “Come on. You’re not mad?”

“Nope.” They both say it at the same time, in the same monotone.

“Right. Look, at least let me explain myself,” I start, but Dean immediately interrupts me.

“Don’t. We don’t care,” he answers for both of them.

“You don’t care?” Why does that hurt more than him screaming at me would?

“What do you want me to say? That I’m disappointed?” He looks over at me and shakes his head. “Yeah, I _am_. But, mostly, I’m just tired, man, and I’m done. I am just done.”

I can’t deny the depression in his voice. I turn to look at Y/n, but she avoids my eyes. “Y/n.”

“Please, don’t, Sammy,” she whispers.

My phone rings in my pocket and I pull it out to answer. It’s Bobby’s landline. “Hey, Bobby.”

“Hey, you and the twins better shag ass to my place ASAP,” he says.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“The Apocalypse, genius. Now, get your asses over here,” he says before hanging up on me.

“What’d he say?” Dean asks.

I clear my throat as I put my phone back in my pocket. “He needs us in Sioux Falls as fast as possible.”

Dean hauls ass to South Dakota. The silence in the car stays deafening. Y/n won’t look at me. Dean barely talks. Bobby leads us down to the basement.

“Well, thanks for shaking a tail,” Bobby says as we approach his panic room.

“Yeah, you got it,” Dean says as I open the door.

“Now, go on inside. I wanna show you something,” Bobby says.

I shrug slightly and step over the threshold into the panic room. “All right. So, uh, what’s the big demon problem?” I ask, turning back to look at him. Y/n’s eyes are on the ground, Dean and Bobby are both standing in the doorway.

“You are,” Bobby answers and fear strikes me. “This is for your own good.” They rush to close the door and lock it behind them. Locking me in. They’re locking me in!

“Guys? Hey, hey. What?” They can’t do this to me! “This isn’t funny! Guys! Hey! Guys?”

Shit.

Shit.

What am I gonna do? They can’t leave me in here. They can’t lock me away and…I mean, I knew they weren’t gonna be happy when they found out about the demon blood, but locking me in the panic room? They should have let me explain it. If they knew that this was the only way to beat Lilith, then-

The window open and I turn to the door. “Okay. Let me out. This is not funny,” I demand.

“Damn straight.”

“Dean, come on. This is crazy,” I snap.

“No. Not until you dry out.”

‘Dry out’ sounds like Hell. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. Just open the door,” I beg.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s not your fault,” Dean says, and I’m not sure where he’s going with this because it’s totally my fault. Unless he’s trying to say- “It’s not your fault that you lied to us over and over again. I get it now. You couldn’t help it.”

“I’m not some junkie!” I argue.

“Really?” Dean bites out. “I guess I’ve just _imagined_ how strung out you’ve been lately.”

I can’t fucking believe this shit. “You’re actually trying to twist this into some kind of ridiculous drug intervention?”

“If it smells like a duck.”

“Dean, I’m not drinking the demon blood for _kicks_. I’m getting strong enough to kill Lilith.” Ruby said they wouldn’t understand. I knew they were going to turn this into something it’s not.

“Strong?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

“This is about as far away from strong as you can get,” he growls. “Try weak. Try desperate. Pathetic.”

Pathetic. I’m _pathetic_? Of course he thinks that. He doesn’t fucking understand. “Killing Lilith is what matters. Or are you so busy being self-righteous you forgot about her?”

“Oh, Lilith’s gonna die. Bobby, Y/n and I will kill her. But not with you.”

They can’t do it! I’m the only one who can. “You’re not serious.”

“Congrats, Sammy. You just bought yourself a benchwarmer seat to the Apocalypse,” he says and starts to close the window.

“Dean, look. No, wait.” I slam my hand into the door. “Come back here. Dean! Let me out of here!” Fuck. Fuck! “Dean! Let me out of here! Let me out! Dean!”

God, what am I gonna do? What can I do? This is…this is bad.

I look around the panic room. There’s no out. Of course not. I’m stuck. They’re going to go after Lilith and I’m not going to be able to help them. And she’s going to slaughter them…because they’re not strong enough.

“I should’ve known when you didn’t want to stick around after the ghost hunt.” Y/n’s voice is barely audible through the door. She hasn’t opened the window. She doesn’t want to look me in my face. She’s so disappointed in me. “I should have known Ruby had something over you.”

“Y/n! You gotta open the door. Ruby doesn’t have anything over me. I’m just trying to beat Lilith!” I shout.

“No.”

“No? No, _what_?” I take a deep breath. Gotta collect myself, appeal to her logical side. “Listen to me, Y/n. I don’t even _like_ drinking the demon blood. It’s not something I _want_ to be doing, but it’s the only way to get my powers to work…and my powers are our best bet against Lilith. You want to put down Lilith, right?”

There’s no sound on the other side of the door. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and keep talking, just hoping she’s on the other side, hoping she’s listening. “Y/n, I don’t…I know it’s not good but we _have_ to stop the Apocalypse. Do you really think we’re going to do that with-with Ruby’s _knife_ and a well-formed plan? When has that ever gone our way in the past? My powers, as much as we don’t like them, my powers are…I took down Samhain with them. Samhain would’ve killed everyone if I hadn’t used my powers. I just need to get a little bit stronger. I’m so close.”

“You’re delusional.”

I scoff. _Really_? Delusional? “How am I being delusional? You and Dean were nowhere _near_ putting down Samhain. If I had relied on normal methods or-or the magic knife, Samhain would never have been sent back to-”

The window opens and she’s standing on the other side, tired sadness in her eyes. “You knew it was bad. Or you would have said something about it. You would have told us.”

“I knew you wouldn’t understand. I knew you’d freak the fuck out. I knew-”

“We have reason to freak, Sam! You have been drinking demon blood! And if the blood isn’t your high, then the powers are!” I shake my head and look at the floor. High. I’m not a fucking junkie. I’m not an addict. “You didn’t see your face when you exorcised that demon from Jimmy’s wife. You’re addicted to _something_ …and it’s not Ruby’s cunt.”

I’m a bit taken aback by that. Y/n’s not usually so brusque. I don’t think I have ever heard her say that word. “Look, I know how this must seem but-”

“No, you don’t,” she interrupts. “Sam, I love you, but you cannot comprehend the mess you’ve made.”

“I know you’re mad, but-”

“I wish I was mad. Because mad is easy. Mad is something we were taught to _use_ a million years ago, but God forbid we feel something more complicated, something that we can’t punch or drink away. ‘Cause what do you do with shame, sadness, confusion, guilt? What do you do with disgust?” Her mouth curls into a sneer and my eyes drop to the floor. “We bury it, let it simmer until it starts leaking into everything else…and then we pretend we’ve always been this toxic person, that nothing’s changed, because talking it out is just too elevated for us.”

I’m pretty sure she’s not talking about me anymore.

“Y/n, you can talk to me about anything. You know that. Just…let me out of here and we can talk it out.” I have to get out.

“No, Sammy. I’m sorry.”

I slam my hand against the door and shout in frustration. She flinches and looks away. “You know, I’m doing this for _you_. For you and Dean and Bobby! You’re never going to be able to take down Lilith! Not without me, not without these powers you hate so much! It’s not possible!”

“Dean killed Azazel. Dean did that. Not me, not you. And the angels…the _angels_ think Dean can stop Lilith so this?” She gestures at my face. “It’s just posturing and excuses for your dumb ass getting played by a demon…letting her get you hooked on demon blood, so…deal with yourself, Sam.”

She doesn’t give me much time to defend myself before she shuts the window.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dumb ass got played by a demon.

It’s so much worse than that, though. My dumb ass let Lucifer out of his Cage. I’m the one who caused the damn Apocalypse. I’m the one who ended the world.

Dean’s barely talking to me. Y/n’s barely _here_. She’s not even glaring like Dean, she’s just…absent. I keep trying to apologize and I can’t. They don’t trust me. They haven’t said it but…God, look at them. They are so upset and I don’t blame them. I can’t blame them.

Dean goes to get food. It’s just me and Y/n. She’s laid out on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Numb. “Y/n. I-” She shushes me. Doesn’t move, just purses her lips and shushes me. “Come on. Let me-”

“Sam, don’t talk to me. Two days ago, you were beating my face in for having the nerve to _suggest_ that Ruby might be playing you for a fool.” I close my eyes, trying not to remember the feel of my punches connecting with her cheekbone, the sound of her hitting the floor in that hotel room. Her voice is monotone as she continues. “Last night, you brought forth the end of the world for her. So you don’t get to apologize. Not while my bruises are still blue.”

I open my mouth to say sorry but I stop myself. I don’t get to apologize.

I hate that I hurt her. _Them_. I hate that I thought that was the answer in that moment. I wish the angels had healed her like they did Dean. Her face is so swollen and discolored. Blacks and blues and greens.

I did that to her.

I didn’t even realize how hard I hit her. I really thought I…

It doesn’t matter. I’ve fucked up so royally…I don’t know if I can ever fix this. I’ve failed them. I am so fucked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“No, you can’t,” Y/n’s words are soft and full of fear. She’s not denying that I can do it, though.

“I know you think it’s a bad idea, but-”

“‘Bad idea’?” She shakes her head and looks away from me. “Sam. Saying ‘yes’ is everything we’ve been rallying against all year! Dean has resisted Michael _all_ year. You’ve resisted Lucif-” Her voice breaks. She runs her palm over her mouth and takes a shaking breath. “I know why you’re doing this. I know why you think you have to, but-”

“It’s the best plan we have, Y/n. I’ve finally got Dean on board but I need-”

“ _My_ approval?” She scoffs and runs her hand through her hair. “No, Sammy, you don’t need my approval. You’re gonna do what you want, what you think is best…and I’m gonna pick up the pieces afterward.”

“Michael has Adam. I have to do this or they’re going to burn half the earth.”

She slams her hand against the trunk of the Impala and makes an angry noise. “Then _I_ should have said ‘yes’. Because if you’re going to be jumping into the Cage, then what is the point of Dean and I saying ‘no’? What are we supposed to do without you?”

She sniffles, trying to keep from crying. I move closer and pull her into my arms. She lets go, tears leaking into my shirt. She doesn’t want to lose me. “You’ll be okay, Y/n. You’ll be okay.”

“I can’t lose you again,” she sobs, grabbing at the back of my shirt.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Y/n, but this is the only way.”

It _is_ the only way. It’s the only way I can make up for my mistakes and failures. I have to do this. It’s the only way.


	8. Control

**Summary** : Sam is back from Hell and even he knows he’s a little bit wrong, but he just doesn’t care much. With Dean gone to Cicero with Lisa, it leave Sam to pursue a closer relationship with their sister.

**Story Warnings** : mentions of Hell, angst, manipulation, controlling behavior, some **_abusive_** _ **BDSM**_ themes thrown in, forced collaring, Sam being soulless and asshole-y.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know I’m wrong. I felt it from the moment I popped back up in Lawrence. Everything is just…kinda…off. I know I’m still me, I ran all the tests on myself. I’m just not right.

I check on Dean as soon as I confirm I’m okay. Not that I really care _how_ he’s doing, but I want to make sure he’s keeping his promise. I probably should have made Y/n promise to get out of the game, too, but it’s not like she could go with Dean and it’s not like she had anyone else to go to.

She’ll be with Bobby. Free of Dean’s influence, without Jesse to swoop in and fill her heart. Good. My turn.

I knock on the door and wait. “I’ll get it, Bobby!” There she is. I smile at her when she opens the door. Her eyes go wide and she gasps. “Sam?” she whispers.

“Yeah. I’m back.”

She laughs and jumps at me, hugging me tightly. “I can’t believe this!” She pulls back and looks up at me with amazement. “Dean’s gonna be so happy! I’m so-”

“Dean’s _already_ happy,” I say. “He’s with Lisa. He’s settling into his life in Cicero just fine.”

She looks confused for a minute. “You’ve already seen Dean?”

“Yeah, but he didn’t see me.” I close the door and turn back to her. “He’s doing the normal thing. He’s fine.”

Her eyebrows scrunch together. “Wh-what are you saying, Sam?”

“I’m saying-” I take a deep breath and make sure I give her the answer that’s going to work best. “He got out. He’s finally got a _home_ , Y/n. You know he would never stay gone if I told him I got out of the Cage. He would walk away from the culmination of all those games of ‘What If’. You don’t want that…do you?”

“But he's…” She’s conflicted. She wants Dean happy but she doesn’t want him gone. She’ll make the right decision, though. She’s never been the type to put herself first. “O-okay. I guess…um…We gotta do the tests on you, Sammy, but…” She smiles bright. “I’m so glad you’re back!”

A bottle hits the floor in the doorway to the library, broken glass and whiskey spraying the walls and Bobby’s legs. “Get the silver, Y/n,” Bobby demands.

“I was just about to! I-”

“You are standin’ way too damn close to him fer ‘just about to’. Go!”

Y/n scrambles away and I lean against the door. “Nice to see you, too, Bobby,” I say, smiling.

“It’ll be nice to see you when I know you ain’t some demon or a ghoul or-”

I just keep smiling as Bobby cuts me and Y/n hands me a cup of water that’s undoubtedly holy water. I drink it down and hand it back to her as she watches for any adverse reaction. Bobby hugs me when I clear the tests. Y/n takes another turn when he pulls away. They’re so happy to have me back.

And for once I get Y/n all to myself. Dean’s relegated himself to suburbia so she’s mine. No fighting for attention or support. All mine.

The first step is to get her away from Bobby. It’s easy enough to coax her out on a job…and when our resurrected grandfather shows up and we start hunting with him and the other Campbells, she clings to me for familiarity. Then it’s just a simple matter of making sure she keeps clinging to me.

That is a little bit harder. How do you take an intelligent, capable, independent woman and make her depend upon you? How do you break her walls and force her to rely on you?

It takes patience…and I have patience.

I start by calling her out on every mistake she makes, no matter how small. I teach her to second-guess every choice she makes. She starts to look to me before making decisions but she’s still a bit too headstrong, still treats me like her little brother. So I have to fix that.

I let her get knocked out by a werewolf. I wait for it to dig its claws into her before I bust in and shoot it. She looks at me like a savior after that, so I set up the next one; I trap her in a basement with an angry spirit and no salt. No shotgun or cell phone. Just a small iron wrench and a flashlight. When I save her from that one, the way she looks at me changes completely.

She listens to me now. She follows me like she used to follow Dean. Like a loyal little puppy dog.

I’ve always wanted a dog.

The first time I’m around when Dean calls, it’s about two months after I get back. It’s obviously not the first time he’s called and she’s obviously still wary about keeping me a secret…but she does.

“I don’t like lying to him,” she says with a sigh.

“Which is why that phone call lasted all of five minutes?” I ask. She nods, chewing on her bottom lip in a way that makes my dick twitch. Interesting. “It’s better to keep the conversations short, anyway. He’s better off focusing on Lisa and his new job.”

“I know but…” She looks down. “He’s missing so much, Sam. You’re back. Grandpa’s back…the-the only reason he’s even _with_ Lisa is because he promised you. I just…”

“I made him promise because I knew that, deep down, he wanted that normal life. We saw it in his dreams, Y/n. He wanted this and the only way he gets to keep it, is if I stay dead to him.”

“So we just keep lying to him forever?” she asks, looking up at me.

I know it’s not the answer she wants, and I try to look upset as I nod. “Yes. It’s the only way.” I keep my voice low and run my hand through my hair, let her see my distress at the idea I’ll never see Dean again. She doesn’t argue with me. “So…how often does Dean call?”

“Every few weeks. He…he has nightmares and when they wake him up early, he calls me.”

“And you answer.” Every time. Like a good little dog. “You shouldn’t. Not every time, anyway. Dean’s never gonna completely settle into the normal life if you let him keep dragging up the past.”

“But I’m his twin sister, the last bit of blood he thinks he has left. You want me to-”

“Ignore his phone calls. Pick up one in four of 'em. Let him forget about us,” I answer.

She doesn’t like that idea. She doesn’t want him to forget us. Too bad. She’s mine now and I’m not going to let Dean swoop in and take her back.

She eventually nods. She knows I’m right, that Dean needs the break from us, from the reminders, from the Life. “Put on your boots. We’re getting on the road in twenty.”

“Okay, Sam,” she says and immediately reaches down to get her boots from under the motel bed. I really like having her under my control. She’s so much easier to deal with when she’s not arguing with me on everything.

But I suppose it’s like any power trip…you always need more.

I’m looking at her clothes and I don’t like them. She’s wearing baggy jeans and a shirt that looks like it used to belong to me. “We’re gonna get you some clothes that fit,” I announce when she walks out of the bathroom.

She looks down at herself and smooths her hands down her shirt. “What’s wrong with-”

“I don’t like it. They’re too big. There’s no reason for you to be wearing Dean’s old hand-me-downs,” I respond shortly. “We are going to buy you some clothes that fit.”

“Okay, Sam,” she whispers, looking down. There’s a blush on her cheeks and I’m not really sure why…but it doesn’t really matter.

I pick her outfits out. Jeans that hug her body, made of material that moves so she won’t feel too constricted to hunt. We buy several low cut, spaghetti strap shirts and a couple flannels that show her shape when she buttons them. And then I buy her a little dress. It’s black and red, strapless. I tell her it’s for undercover work, but really I just like how she looks in it.

“You should wear it around the motel…when it’s just the two of us.”

“W-why?” she asks and the way she trembles is a bit of a turn-on.

“Because you’re not comfortable in it. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable the first time we actually need you to wear it. So you wear it around me, when it’s safe, to get used to showing so much skin,” I reason.

“I…guess that makes sense.”

“Go take a shower and put it on. Don’t forget to shave your legs,” I say, pulling out my phone.

“O-okay, Sam,” she whispers, grabbing the dress and retreating into the bathroom.

She looks like a treat when she exits the bathroom. Like an innocent stripper or a virgin whore. She’s exactly the eye candy I wanted, though. After a few reminders, she starts slipping into that dress every time we’re alone without having to be told.

Then I take my control a little further. I give her a bedtime. When we’re not on a job, of course. “Sleep is important, Y/n. If you’re not getting enough sleep, you’re not going to heal right, you’re not going to be happy. Adequate sleep is a better antidepressant than any other,” I reason.

“But…but Sam, you don’t sleep much and-”

I don’t sleep at all but she doesn’t know that. “I am sleeping plenty. I want to make sure _you’re_ sleeping, though. 10 o'clock, Y/n. Understand?”

She looks down and nods. “Okay, Sam.”

And then I teach her to put her phone on the table as soon as we enter a motel room. “Don’t want you to be a slave to your cell phone.”

“Okay, Sam.”

Everything is working out so perfectly for me for a while. Hunting with the Campbells, Y/n firmly under my thumb, Dean living his happy life…but he still calls her. He still wakes up in the predawn hours to call his twin, and she still answers far more often than I want her to.

I leave to get breakfast. Y/n likes breakfast sandwiches so that’s what I get. I come back to see her sitting on the bed with her phone to her ear. “Who are you-” I start, but she shushes me and puts the phone to her chest.

“It’s Dean. Shhh!” She fucking shushed me for Dean. I gesture at her to hang up and she cowers a bit at the displeased look on my face. She puts the phone back to her ear and I glare at her. “Y-yeah. Everything’s fine, D. I-I gotta go, though. We’re about to pack up and head out so-”

I can tell Dean’s arguing with her on it. Pleading for just a little more time with my Y/n. And she wants to give him that time. But it’s not hers to give. I turn to grab my bag from the foot of the bed. "Now.”

“Yeah, I _do_ have to. They’re pretty rigid about schedules…kinda like hunting with Dad again. I’ll…I’ll talk to you next time, Dean. Bye.” She hangs up and stands up, pulling her pajama shirt off and quickly replacing it with a camisole with a built-in bra.

“That Dad comment supposed to be a dig at me?” I ask, watching as she shimmies out of her shorts and pulls on a pair of jeans.

“It wasn’t meant to be anything.”

“Right. Next time Dean calls, let it go to voicemail.” She opens her mouth to argue but I keep talking. “Actually, don’t answer anymore. I don’t want you talking to him for a while.”

Her eyes go wide and flash with fear and sadness. “But, I ca-”

“Don’t argue with me.”

She swallows and looks away from me. “Okay, Sam,” she whispers.

Good.

She doesn’t answer the phone for him for months. I’ve got her completely under my control now. Until Dean gets targeted by a djinn and we have to go save him.

I leave her behind at the Campbell compound when I go to save him, but she follows Samuel when he comes to meet me.

“I _told_ you to stay at the compound,” I snap when she steps out of the van.

“You really expected me to stay behind when Dean’s in trouble?” He’s back in the picture for less than twelve hours and she’s already defying me.

“I have it under control. Get a car and go back to the compound,” I order.

She looks up into my eyes and I see something flash in them. “No, Sam. I’m going to see Dean. I’m going to talk to him. I’m gonna apologize for lying to him and ignoring his calls. Time for secrets and hiding is over.”

I have an urge to grab her by her hair and bash her face into the hood of the van, but I don’t. “Fine. But you don’t talk until I’m done with him, understand me?

"Okay, Sam,” she bites out before stomping toward the abandoned house I dragged Dean to.

After I bring Dean up to speed, I introduce him to the cousins and then Samuel comes in and orders everyone out. Y/n sneaks in as Mark walks out and Dean’s eyes find her immediately.

I’ve seen that look on his face probably a thousand times but this is the first time I think I’ve ever really seen it. That’s a very strong longing desire in his eyes. He puts a hand up as Samuel starts to talk, maneuvering around him to stand right in front of Y/n. “Hunting with a group. They’re like family.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t tell you, Dean,” she says, quiet enough that I have to stop breathing to hear her.

“Oh, right.” Dean scoffs and Y/n flinches. “Sam was alive…and you knew this whole time. And you couldn’t tell me?”

“You were happy,” she says, a bit louder. “You were out and you were happy with-with Lisa and-”

“I wanted my family, Y/n. The only reason I even went to Cicero is because I promised Sam and he’s been out this whole fuckin’ time and I could have been here! I coulda been with you. I coulda been helping!” He shakes his head and pulls her into a hug. I see his hands drift lower, then immediately move to the middle of her back. He was tempted to touch her ass. Interesting.

“I’m so sorry, Dean. I’m so sorry.” She’s crying into his shirt and he looks so torn.

“It’s okay, Y/n. I forgive you. It’s okay,” he whispers, kissing the top of her head and holding her tighter against his chest.

A lot of things make sense from watching this interaction. The overprotective act he’s always played, the way he chased Jesse off, the way he used to stare at her, how he always used to dominate her time…Dean’s in love with our sister.

And I’ve got control of her. When Dean decides to start hunting with us again, I put up boundaries.

“He’s going to go back to her. You know he will. He’s thought about her for years. She’s been his ideal life since he met her son. You need to keep your distance.” I catch Dean’s eyes on her cleavage from across his living room. “She’s not here right now but when she comes back? This is his whole life, right here in this house. Keep your distance.” She nods. “And button your shirt. You look like a slut.”

She flinches at that, but immediately starts buttoning her shirt. Dean doesn’t get to enjoy her body. She’s mine.

I make her stay behind when we fly to Scotland. She would be tempted to help Dean with his fear of flying. She would get too close and I refuse to allow that. I convince her Bobby might need her stateside and we leave it at that. She’s upset. She’s never been out of the U.S. but I can’t really help her out. She barely talks to me when we get back, but she’s still talking to Dean less.

She’s still trying to punish me when we pick up the vampire job. She doesn’t come with us to check out the missing girls’ rooms or question the families. She almost doesn’t answer the phone when I call her.

“We’re going to a bar; the Black Rose. It’s an emo kinda place, these were emo kinda girls. So I need you to put on the black dress and a lot of black eyeliner and meet us there.”

“Th-the black dress? But…I c-can’t…”

“Y/n. We bought that dress specifically for this kind of thing. Take a shower, shave the hippie shit off your legs, and put on some damn makeup. I’ll send you the address for the bar.”

“Okay, Sam,” she whispers and that’s exactly what I want to hear.

We go to the Black Rose, Dean and I sit at the bar and start to look around. It’s a lot of wannabe vamps, a lot of Twilight fans and women in rubber. We order beers and start looking around. We’ve only been at the bar for ten minutes when Y/n walks in. Her hair is in tight pigtails, her lips painted with dark red lipstick, no bra under the dress and the lack of panty lines says she’s not wearing underwear, either. She’s wearing stiletto heels and her eye makeup is bold and black, and she’s wearing a thick leather collar. I wonder where that came from. She looks amazing.

Dean’s eyes go wide when he sees her and his jaw drops. He even drools a little. He runs his hand across his lips as she approaches us. “Do I look the part?” she asks, leaning against the bar on my left side.

“Wow. You don’t even look like you,” Dean says, awe in his voice. It’s been a long time since he’s seen her show so much skin. He must be going nuts under the surface.

“Definitely look the part. I like the dog collar,” I say, reaching out to hook my finger in the ring at the front. I tug her forward and she stumbles on her heels and gasps, slamming her hand on the bartop. Dean lets out a sharp breath. “This is a kinky thing, right? Aren’t you supposed to have a leash…and a lock?”

“I was just going for the look. You know I don’t do…stuff like that.”

I know she doesn’t do ‘stuff like that’…not since Jesse…or before Jesse. But she is my little puppy dog, so maybe she _should_ be wearing a collar.

“I gotta hit the restroom,” Dean says, slipping off of his stool and pushing through the crowd. He’s off to deal with his discomfort in the bathroom stall. Just him and his right hand.

“I thought you might not show up,” I say, running my hand up from her collar to her jaw, running my thumb along the bolt of her jaw. “I know you’ve been mad at me.” Her face goes red and she looks away. I love making her blush. I’ve always loved it. “I don’t want you mad at me, Y/n.”

“He’s not going back to her. You said he was going back to her, but he’s still here. Still with us,” she says quietly. “Can I stop keeping myself at a distance now?”

I take a deep breath and shake my head. “He was just on the phone with her yesterday morning. I think he’s planning to go see her.”

She swallows and licks her lips. “So?”

“So he’s planning to leave us again. I told you. Now…why don’t you go mingle, see if you get a bite?” I slap my hand across her ass and she squeals before walking away. Dean comes back a few minutes later and his eyes immediately find Y/n, standing by herself on the other side of the bar. “So, how was Myra?” I ask, taking a drink of my beer.

“What?” he asks, tearing his eyes away from Y/n to look at me again. “Who?”

“Myra. ‘My Right Hand’–Myra,” I say with a smirk, not looking at him.

“Wha-what d’you mean?”

“You know, _she_ might not notice the way you look at her, but I do. I know exactly why you disappear into the bathroom.” He opens his mouth to defend himself but I turn to look at him. “She looks hot as fuck tonight, doesn’t she?”

He licks his lips and looks over at her again. “I don’t know what you mean, man,” he says, but he knows exactly what I’m talking about.

“You’ve been running off to masturbate over her for years. You’d think you’d get over that crush after all these years but it’s been since you were teens.”

“Sam.” His grip tightens on his beer bottle. “You can’t-”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m not going to tell her, Dean. If she hasn’t figured it out by now, it’s a purposeful block. She doesn’t _want_ to know.”

He takes a drink of his beer and clears his throat. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. My stomach’s messed up from the burritos we had for lunch, that’s all.”

“Right.” I scoff and nod. Denial is probably second nature to him on this.

We find targets, potential vamps, and we split up. I take mine down and head to the alley to help Dean with his. I get there in time to see a large, bushy-haired vampire about to turn Dean. I could stop it. I’ve got more than enough time and opportunity to attack. I don’t. Samuel has a cure. We’ll have Dean on the inside at the nest. It’ll be easier to take them out. As long as he doesn’t feed, we’ll be able to fix him. Dean’s got more self-control than most people realize. It’ll be fine.

Y/n rushes to his side as soon as she makes it out of the bar. I don’t stop her as she wipes at the blood on his mouth. I kinda wanna see how he’s going to react to her now that he’s a monster.

He literally pushes her away and she almost falls on her ass in the dirty alley, but she grabs my shirt to stop herself and straightens on her heels. She looks offended at the way he pushed her. Soft.

“Look, um, let’s…let’s just get you back to the motel, Dean. Come on.” I reach down to help him up, put him in the backseat of the Impala and drive him to the motel. He’s having more trouble with his self-control than I thought. He’s literally sniffing Y/n’s hair from the backseat. He stomps into the motel room and starts throwing a fit about every sound and light.

“D., calm down,” Y/n tries, setting her phone on the table and putting her hand on his shoulder. He flinches away from her.

“Don’t touch me!” he growls and she pulls her hand away like he’s burned her.

“Dean…you should sit down,” I say.

“ _You_ sit down,” he snaps before sitting on the edge of one of the beds and drops his head into his hand. “Of all the ways to die, I never thought I’d be going out like this.”

“Dean, nobody is ‘going out’.”

He gets up and pulls the alarm clock out of the wall and tosses it to the floor, before turning to look at me and Y/n. “Samuel is gonna kill me when he gets here.”

“No, Dean, he’s not!” I argue.

“Yes he is, ‘cause I’m gonna ask him to because you two won’t do it.”

Idiot. Trying to die. “Okay, just hold on a second-”

“For what, huh? Look at me!” he exclaims.

“We can figure this out!” Y/n exclaims.

“How?!” Dean demands. He looks at me with suspicion. “Why aren’t you freaked out?”

“Of course I am,” I defend.

“Really? ‘Cause I can hear your heartbeats. Y/n’s heart is beatin’ out an anxious samba and yours is pretty damn steady.”

That’s not good. “That’s ‘cause I’m…I’m _trying_ to remain calm.” Can I raise my heart rate? “Dean, look. Samuel will know what to do.”

“C’mon, man, I’m a monster, okay? This is _not_ a problem that you spitball. We gotta deal with this before I hurt somebody.” He looks at Y/n for a second. He’s afraid he’s gonna lose control on her.

He groans and puts a hand to his head again, rubbing his eyes. “How’s it feel?” Never gonna get another opportunity to find out how a vampire actually works inside.

“ _Now_? Now you wanna talk about my feelings?”

I fight to stop my eyes from rolling. “No, I mean…physically.”

“How do you think it feels? Not good!” He snaps, heading for the bathroom.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“Bathroom, okay? News flash, Mr. Wizard: Vampires pee!” Well, I didn’t know that. Interesting.

“He’ll be okay,” Y/n whispers. She sits on the bed and looks up at me, practically begging me to confirm it for her. “Right?”

“Of course he will. Samuel will know what to do.” Samuel will be able to cure him as long as I can keep him from draining Y/n.

Or someone else. He went out the damn bathroom window. What the fuck is he thinking? “You stay here in case he comes back. I’m gonna try to find him and I’ll call Samuel.” Y/n nods and I go to leave. “And change your clothes.”

When I make it back with Samuel in tow, she’s nowhere to be seen, but her dress and collar are on the bed. “Can’t keep track of your brother now?” Samuel accuses.

“Well, we didn’t think he’d just–”

“He’s not himself, Sam. He’s a monster and he’s hungry. You gotta be prepared to do the right thing.” Well, if we do have to take Dean’s head, I’ll have Y/n completely to myself again. That’s a plus.

“Told ya he’d kill me when he showed up,” Dean’s voice comes from around the corner by the fridge. Samuel and I both grab machetes from his duffel bag as Dean walks out.

“Did you feed?” Samuel asks.

“I went to say goodbye to Lisa…which, for the record, was a lousy idea,” Dean responds.

“Dean, answer the question,” Samuel insists. I don’t see any blood on Dean’s clothes, though, so I don’t think he killed anyone.

“You can relax. I didn’t drink anyone,” he says and we do relax.

“Thank God,” Samuel says, dropping his machete.

The bathroom door opens and Y/n slinks out, looking disheveled. He attacked her. “But I came close.” He takes his jacket off and throws it to the ground. “All right. Do it.”

“Okay…if you insist…or I can just turn back,” Samuel says.

“What?” The twins exclaim and I have to act surprised, too.

“What?”

Samuel gives me a look. He remembers talking to me about the cure. Damn. “I didn’t drive all this way to kill you, Dean. I’m here to _save_ you.”

I walk over to Y/n as Samuel starts digging in his duffel to find his grandfather’s hunter journal. “Hey. You okay?”

“He didn’t hurt me. I’m…he didn’t hurt me.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

She looks up into my eyes and licks her lips. “I’m fine.”

“You’re lying,” I whisper. “And who said you could take that collar off?”

“Sam.” She looks away, exasperated.

“I’m joking. Trying to get a smile out of you.” I smile at her. “Dean’s gonna be fine.”

“Did you know Samuel had a cure?” she whispers.

“Of course not. Why don’t you fix your hair before you join us?”

We sit down with Samuel, who tells us we gotta get the blood of the vamp that turned Dean. Dean says he can get it, he’s gotta go alone…Y/n and I smell like Happy Meals With Legs so we can’t go. Samuel accuses me of letting Dean get turned. I get defensive, he lets it go.

Dean goes through the nest, gets the blood from the vampire that turned him. I try to get him to tell me if he found out anything in the nest, but he refuses to talk and demands the cure. He’s probably starving by this point, so I guess it makes sense.

After he takes a shower, he lets us in on the fact that the vampire alpha is sending the vampires instructions through a telepathic link, telling them to amass an army. Samuel leaves to share Dean’s information with the Campbell compound and Dean heads out to the car, trying to get ahold of Lisa to apologize.

It’s just me and Y/n in the motel room. I pick the dog collar up and run my fingers along the leather. “Hey, Y/n, come’ere.”

“Okay, Sam,” she says, dropping her bag on the table and walking over to me.

“Where’d you get this? I’ve never seen it before.”

She blushes and looks away from me. “I…I stopped at a BDSM shop before I went to the bar. I…I wanted the look…thought it might work for vampire bait.”

“So, you do understand the significance of a collar in that culture?” I ask.

“K-kinda. Um…owe-ownership?”

“See, most people think BDSM is a strictly sexual thing, but it’s not. It’s about control. The submissive gives up control to the dominant. Just like you’ve given up control to me.” Her eyes snap to mine and I smirk. “You can’t act like you haven’t noticed I’ve taken over your life, Y/n.”

“S-sammy, I-”

“Oh, don’t start arguing now. Most of the fight left you months ago, big sister.” I unbuckle the collar and turn it over in my hands. “You’ve been such a good little pet for me over the last year, but since Dean’s been back, you’ve been…a bit of a brat and I need you to remember who’s in charge, Y/n. I’ve been thinking _this_ might be a good reminder.”

“S-sam, I don’t…w-wait, you can’t-”

I wrap the leather around her neck and tighten it until it’s choking her. Her hands claw at my wrists as she struggles to breathe. “Don’t. Stop fighting and I’ll loosen it.” She keeps fighting for a few moments, but then she settles, eyes drooping as she goes slack. “Good girl.” I loosen it a bit and she takes a deep breath. “What does this collar mean, Y/n?”

“I…I’m…yours, Sam,” she says on a labored breath.

I reach into the front pocket of my duffel and pull out a small luggage padlock and click it onto the back of the collar. “I’ve got the key to that so that collar isn’t going anywhere without my sayso.”

“Okay, Sam.”

Dean eyes the collar with confusion when we get out to the car, but he doesn’t ask about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No soul. That’s what’s wrong with me, I have no soul. I was brought back wrong, but I knew that. I knew there was a problem.

“Take it off,” Dean growls as we get ready to leave the motel in Calumet City. “Or gimme the key and I’ll do it,” he finishes.

I look over at Y/n, who’s fiddling with the loop at the front of her collar. “No.”

“I thought you were trying to be better, Sam,” he snaps.

I shake my head and pick up my bag. “I won’t take it off, Dean. She’s better this way.”

“She’s _better_ this way?” He scoffs and shakes his head. “Sam, look at her!”

I look at her. She’s wearing the collar, the tight blue jeans, her flannel over the tank top. “She looks good to me,” I say. “Better than she did before, anyway.”

“Dean, it’s not important. Getting his soul back is the important-” she starts, standing.

“Sit down, sister,” Dean snaps.

“No. We need to go talk to Samuel. Don’t sit down. Grab the bags, Y/n. Take them to the car.” She follows my instructions and grabs all of the duffels before walking out of the room. I stand up and turn to Dean. “You’re jealous and I get that, Dean. You’ve wanted her for years and now she’s mine.”

“That’s not what this is,” he says, shaking his head.

“You know what? I bet I could get her in bed, too, teach her everything Jesse never had the chance to.” Rage fills his eyes. “Or you can shut up and deal with it.”

“See, that? That, there? You would never say some shit like that if you had your fuckin’ soul.”

“Yeah and I would never bend her over and fuck her into oblivion like _you_ want to. If I had a soul, which I don’t.” I pick her phone up from the table where she left it and smile. “I’ve spent a year and a half getting her to this point, Dean. I can get her to do almost anything. I’ll keep it the way it is now as long as you stop throwing a fit about it.”

“If you lay a single inappropriate finger on her, I won’t care that you’re my brother, I will take you down.”

I chuckle and tuck her phone in my pocket. “I’m not like all the other men you’ve chased out of her life, Dean. You aren’t going to get rid of me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where the fuck did this key come from? It was in my _boot_ so it must be something important, something I wanted to keep hidden. I don’t remember it, though.

Y/n brings in a bowl of chicken noodle and a cup of coffee on a tray and sets them on the desk. “Do you know what this key is for?” I ask, holding it up for her to see.

She runs her hand across her neck and swallows, not really looking at it. “No. Never seen it before. Why don’t you go ahead and put it away, Sammy? Eat your food.”

“Y/n!” Dean calls from upstairs.

“Down here, D.!” she yells back.

He’s in the panic room doorway fifteen seconds later. “What'cha doin’?”

“Just makin’ sure Sammy’s got something good to eat. Close as I could manage was soup.”

“That’s not your responsibility. Why don’t you go check on Bobby, huh?”

Dean’s being snappy with her. Usually, it’s the other way around. “What’d I miss?” I ask, putting the key away as she walks out of the panic room, rubbing her neck.

“You missed a year and a half, Sam. You’re gonna have to narrow that question down.”

“Why does your relationship with Y/n get _worse_ every time it’s just the two of you?” I ask, picking up the spoon and stirring up the chicken noodle.

Dean looks out the door into the basement and clears his throat. “This last year and a half hasn’t been easy on either of us. But you’re back now. We’re gonna be fine. All of us. We’re gonna be fine.”

Why does that feel like a lie?


	9. Domestic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I TOTALLY FORGOT DOMESTIC AND RUSHED AHEAD TO FIGHT!
> 
> I suck! Sorry. So...chapter 9 is supposed to be Domestic and Chapter Ten is fight and I'm fixing it now, but I suck and I'm sorry for the confusion.

**Summary** : Sam is living with the girl and the dog, but he can’t stop dreaming about his older sister.

**Story Warnings** : wet dream incest, BDSM themes in the dream,  **18+! HERE BE SEX!! DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ “What’s the collar mean, Y/n?” I ask, looking down at her. She’s on her knees, hands folded in her lap, eyes downcast. Her collar is locked in the back of her neck. _

_ “I’m yours, Sam.” _

_ “Mine. To treat however I want and use in any way I wish, right?” _

_ “Yes, Sam.” _

_ “Look at me,” I order and her bright green eyes snap to my face, no eye contact though. I’ve taught her so well. “You’re gonna suck my cock like the good little slut I know you can be and then I’m gonna bend you over and fuck you into oblivion.” _

_ “Okay, Sam.” _

_ “Good girl. Such an obedient little whore. Get to it.” She pulls at my button and zipper, eagerly pulls my cock out and goes to work. She’s enthusiastic, doing an amazing job. She starts gagging and I fucking love the way she’s got tears running down her cheeks and the way she squeaks when I tug on her hair and her pussy clenches around my cock as I fuck her as hard as I can and pull at her dress so it constricts her just the way I want. “Want my cum inside this cunt or you wanna taste me?” _

_ “Sam, don’t…you can’t cum inside. You didn’t let me get birth control.” _

_ “Don’t tell me I  _ **_can’t_ ** _ ,” I growl in her ear. “Inside, it is.” _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

The dog jumps on the bed and jerks me out of my dream and I’m pissed but I’m also a little glad. As much as I was enjoying that dream, I really  _ shouldn’t  _ have been. God, that was Y/n! Fuck, I haven’t had a dream like that since I was a hormonal teen…and where’d all that BDSM shit come from?

I gotta stay out of Dean’s porn folder on his laptop.

I pat Riot’s head and shift to get out of bed. “I’ll take you for a run in a minute, boy. I gotta splash some water on my face…and try to call my sister again.”

I’ve dialed Y/n’s number a dozen times. She never answers. If I hadn’t seen her alive and well after Dick Roman exploded, I would think she was gone just like Dean and Cas. But she was there after…just disappeared.

“ _ If you’re looking for my brothers, call them. Sam’s number is- _ ” I disconnect the call with a sigh. She always assumes no one could possibly be calling to talk to her. “Come on, Riot. Let’s go run.”

I think I see Y/n in the park but she’s gone when I turn back to look. I shake my head to clear it. I really want her to be okay. I really want her to be here. I really want her.

Just so I can stop worrying about her, though. I want her around to…fuck, I just miss her. Even on her darkest days she could still make everything brighter and I need that. Amelia doesn’t do that.

Amelia’s so…normal. This place is so normal. Riot is so normal. As much as I try, I’m never going to be normal. After everything I’ve been through? Normal will never happen, and that means Amelia is never going to understand me.

The only woman in the world who possibly could understand is my big sister. The only one with shared life experience is Y/n…and she’s disappeared.

I find myself comparing Y/n and Amelia.

Y/n’s got brighter eyes, a much prettier smile. Her blushing cheeks are like a gift from God. She’s smart, she’s sweet and she straddles the line of innocence. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.

Amelia is…normal. She’s just normal…and I guess I need that right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n shows up at Rufus’ cabin not long after Dean and I get settled. She looks exhausted but it’s good to see her after so long. “Where were you?” I ask as she drinks down a gulp of holy water and goes to cut her forearm with the silver knife.

A contemptuous look takes her face as she looks at me. “Texas.”

“What? Where?” I ask, my eyebrows coming together.

“West Texas. Damn near New Mexico,” she says pointedly.

“Kermit?” You were there?”

“Did you really think I’d forget my job just because Dean was gone?” she snaps. “I was keeping an eye on you, just like I’m supposed to.”

“I never saw you,” I say quietly. Well, I  _ thought  _ I saw her once.

“Was the point, Sammy,” she responds, wrapping her arm with a rag.

“The whole time?” I just can’t believe she was watching me the whole year.

“Most of it. Took a few day trips to run leads on Purgatory but always came back when they didn’t pan.”

“Wait, you tried to get me out?” Dean asks, a mix of shock and happiness in his tone.

She looks away from both of us and clears her throat. “No. I was trying to get me in. Sam was doing so well with the vet…figured the Winchester twins could handle Purgatory while Sammy played house with the girl and the dog.”

I don’t like the way she says that. “I called you. I tried to get a hold of you all year, Y/n. What, you were there the whole time and-and you didn’t even…you didn’t even answer the phone?”

“You had a normal thing going, man. If I had answered…it would have ruined the normal illusion. You’re the one who taught me that…that’s why you limited my contact with Dean when he was with Lisa, remember?” she says, rubbing her hand across her neck.

That came out a little bitter. I still have trouble remembering everything from when I was soulless, but there’s a clear image of me making her get off her phone. I must have told her it was the only way Dean could have his normal life. Why was I such a controlling asshole to her?

Because I didn’t want to lose her. I  _ couldn’t  _ lose her back then. I didn’t really understand why before Amelia, but I…I think I do now. I think I…I think Y/n is…I think I love her…more than I should. I think I’m  _ in  _ love with my big sister.

Oh no. Oh, God, no.

“What’s wrong with you, Sammy?” Dean asks. That’s a good question. “You lost track of Y/n and didn’t even try to get me out?”

“Can we not do this now, please?” I’m having a bit of an existential crisis right now and I can’t defend my decision to not look for him.

“Let’s just…let’s get some food in us and we’ll deal later, okay?” Y/n suggests, and Dean and I nod.

‘Deal later’. Or not. Deal never…and never think about it again.


	10. Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mixed up chapters nine and ten so I'm fixing it now. I'm sorry!

**Summary** : Sam doesn’t know how to deal with Dean dying and really doesn’t know how to deal with the demon his brother has become.

**Story Warnings** : incestuous thoughts, mentions of suicidal ideation, mentions of twincest, 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Y/n’s been giving me a cold shoulder since Dean’s been gone. It hurts, but I can’t call Dean back, I can’t be done being mad at him…even if it’s hurting her that he’s gone.

She stomps into the kitchen, gets a mug and fills it up. She sits at the table and stares at her phone.

“You coulda gone with him, ya know?” I snap. “If you’re gonna be this upset about him being gone, then you should have gone with him.”

“Haven’t been the type to follow Dean into the unknown for years, Sam,” she says, quietly. “And who says I’m upset?”

I roll my eyes. “I can see that you’re pissed off at me, Y/n.”

She nods but doesn’t look up from her phone. “And you think it’s because you let Dean walk away?”

“What else could it be? I encouraged Dean to leave.”

“Why are you mad at Dean?”

What kind of question is that? “Because he made a choice for me that ended with Kevin-”

“Nope,” she says, finally turning her eyes up to look across the kitchen at me. “It’s not about Kevin and don’t use him as your fucking excuse. You’re pissed that Dean saved your life.”

“It wasn’t his choice!”

“You don’t get to choose to die, Sam!” she shouts as she stands up and glares at me. “You don’t get to give up. I’ve never given up! Why should you get to?!”

I’m taken aback by her explosion. “What, you’re upset at me because I wanted to let go?”

She chuckles sarcastically. “‘Let go’. That’s such a soft, inoffensive little euphemism for death. Dying, Sam.” She shakes her head at me, sadness just barely winning out over the coldness she usually keeps in her eyes. “I have had to watch Mom die, and Dad, and you and Dean and you and Bobby and Cas and you and Dean and Cas and I can’t anymore, Sam. Do you know how selfish it is for you to make me live past you again? To make Dean live past you again? You don’t get to be that selfish.”

“Y/n.”

“No, Sam.” She picks up her mug and shakes her head. “You don’t get to die.” She walks out of the kitchen and I’m left just…standing there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“The Mark of Cain?” Y/n asks when Dean comes home after our accidental meetup in Wisconsin. She has been staring at Dean’s arm for ten minutes and those are the first words she says.

“It’s not a big deal, Y/n. Seriously, it’s-” he starts to defend, but she rolls her eyes and throws her hands up.

“Crowley conned you into getting this stupid fuckin’ thing and it’s not a big deal? Cain tried to warn you off from it and you didn’t even listen to the tip-off and it’s not a big deal?” She has a point, but I’m not supposed to be caring right now.

“Seriously, sister, it’s not an issue right now, okay?”

She shakes her head and starts to walk away. “Yeah. Yeah, ‘right now’, ‘cause right now is the only thing that’s important, huh? Let’s not consider the fucking future at all.”

“Won’t be a future if Abaddon takes over Hell, Y/n,” Dean calls after her.

I roll my eyes. “Dean, why do you have to antagonize her?”

“Shut up, Sam,” he says before he follows after her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Covered in blood, wound from an angel blade in his chest, I’m trying to keep Dean alive, but he’s gone…he’s dying, again, and I can’t…

“Listen to me. It’s better this way,” he groans out and I can’t even…Y/n runs to his other side, tears in her eyes.

“What?” we both ask, confused and shocked.

Dean gasps in pain. “The Mark. It’s making me into something I don’t wanna be.”

“Don’t worry about the Mark. We’ll figure out the Mark later. Just hold on, okay? Get you some help,” I promise, pulling his arm around my neck and picking him up. He groans in agony as Y/n wraps his other arm around her. We drag him toward the exit, Y/n holding the handkerchief to his knife wound. I cover her hand with my own, keep the pressure on him.

“What happened to you being okay with this?” Dean asks and my heart hurts at the reminder of my words.

“I lied,” I answer.

“Ain’t that a bitch.”

“Don’t talk, D. We’re going to…we’re going to fix this,” Y/n says, her voice cracking.

“Sam. Hold up, hold up,” Dean groans and Y/n and I lean him against a box. He’s having trouble breathing, his eyes aren’t focusing right. He looks between us and sways a bit. “I got to say somethin’ to you.”

“What?” I ask.

He looks at Y/n then my eyes, rests his hand on my shoulder, then up to my head. “I’m proud of us.”

The light fades out of his eyes and he stops breathing, falls forward into my chest. I beg him to wake up and Y/n hits the floor beside us. I cry, tears and sobs releasing from me. Y/n doesn’t cry. She looks so numb, but I’m destroyed. I can’t deal with this, with losing him. Not again. He was right.

I take him home. I lay him in his bed. I pass Y/n in the hall outside of his room. She just looks down at the floor. She slips into the room as I go to the library to drink. I’ll summon Crowley. If anyone can fix this…

I go back to the dungeon where Dean summoned Crowley before this happened. “Damn it, Crowley. You got him into this mess. You will get him out…or so help me, God…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Where is he?!” I demand, grabbing Y/n by her arms and shaking her a bit. “What’d you do with him?!”

“What are you- Get off’a me!” She pushes at my chest and I loosen my grip but I don’t let her go.

“Dean is gone! He’s gone! Did you burn him? Did you burn him while I was summoning Crowley?!”

“If you don’t get your hands off’a me, Sam, I’m gonna start throwing punches,” she threatens and I release her. “I didn’t touch his body. I went in, said my goodbyes, and went to my room. What do you mean, he’s gone?”

I lead her to his room. She runs her hand over the empty bed, shakes her head at the pile of bloody clothes in the corner. She picks up the note from the pillow and nods. “Guess he wasn’t really dead,” she whispers.

“He was dead. He is dead. And if you didn’t do anything…and I didn’t…” I swallow. “Then Crowley must’ve done something. And I’m gonna figure it out…and find Dean.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been weeks. She’s read the note as many times as I have, maybe more. It’s simple, it’s his handwriting, but there’s no way it’s real. "You’re not gonna let this-”

“I need to bring his body home so that we can get him back,” I snap.

“Right ‘cause that worked so well when he was downstairs with Alastair, right?” she snaps back. “You’re gonna do the exact same brand of stupid bullshit to get him back now, aren’t you?” I look away from her and she rolls her eyes. “Of course you are. You’ve already started. Just look at your fucking shoulder.”

She tosses the note in my lap as she walks toward the spiral staircase out of the bunker. “I’m not gonna sit around and watch you tear yourself apart looking for his corpse. Good luck, Sammy. I have a feeling you’re gonna need it.”

And with that, I’m alone.

I’m not proud of what I do searching for him, not proud of the soul I essentially damn in my quest to find the demon riding around in Dean’s meat suit…Dean. Dean is the demon…it only takes several weeks for Crowley to clue me in on what happened, as I’m closing in on them.

Of course, as I get closer to Dean, I get grabbed by a man with a vendetta against Dean for a hunt years ago. I get away, focus on finding Dean. I start calling Y/n to make sure she’s safe, try to get her to help me find Dean, but she doesn’t answer. I get a night of rest in a motel, but I barely sleep. I keep trying to get ahold of Y/n but she’s not answering and everytime it rings through to her voicemail, everytime I hear “If you’re looking for my brothers,” I get a little more worried. What if Cole grabbed her, too?

As I’m leaving the motel, I pull out my phone to call her again. “Hello, Bullwinkle. You miss me?” Crowley’s voice sends a roll of rage through me.

I slip my phone in my back pocket and grab the demon-killing knife from my belt and turn to him. “So much.”

“You’re here for Dean. I’m here to give him to you.”

“What?” I ask, confused and not trusting him.

“The little prat’s bad for business. He’s…uncontrollable, doin’ things he’s gonna regret, must be the Mark,” he responds. He shakes his head. “Anyway, Dean’s your problem now–again, forever.”

“Then where is he?” I demand, a bit desperately.

“First, there’s the small matter of my finder’s fee,” he says and I swallow. I’ll agree to almost anything right now. “I want the Blade.”

“What? Wh-why? You can’t use it.” Not that I really want Dean to have the thing, but why would Crowley-

“And neither can he if I have it hidden away. Trust me. You’ll want it away from him.” He looks like he wants to say something more, but shakes his head. “When you find him, get the First Blade away from him and give it to me before it’s too late. Deal?”

I nod. “Deal, Crowley. Just tell me where he is.”

“He’s been spending his time at this bar, Flamingo Lounge. Stake it out. I’m certain he’ll be thirsty soon.”

He disappears and I get in the cab of the truck. I’m pulling up the address on my phone when I get a call back from Y/n. “Where are you?! I’ve been calling you for-”

“Hours, I know,” she interrupts me. She sounds stressed. “Look, I just need some time, Sammy. I…I think it’s my turn, okay? I need a damn break. I can’t deal with this bullshit-”

It’s my turn to interrupt her. “I need you to help me find Dean, Y/n. I need your-” Help. I need her support. I need her.

“No, you don’t. You need to let him go…and you need to let me have this time, okay? I just need-”

I sigh. “Look, I just talked to…you’re not gonna believe this, but…Crowley, and if I give him the First Blade after, he’s ready to sell Dean out. I’m headed to the bar Crowley says he’s gonna be at. I could use your support.” Please don’t make me keep doing this alone, Y/n.

“Sam…call me if you figure out where he is,” she says. Was she not listening to me? Is that a code or-

“What? I just told you-”

“Yeah, I wish you the best of luck, little brother,” she says and then she hangs up on me.

What the fuck was that about?

I go to the bar, see the Impala sitting in the parking lot. I look in through the window and see Dean sitting at a piano…Y/n is with him. She looks stressed out and drunk. She’s sitting right next to him. She’s dressed weird, too. Dean’s got his left hand on her thigh. What the hell is going on?

I walk into the bar, the twins are playing ‘Hey Jude’ on the piano. Y/n is carrying Dean through but that’s because he’s preoccupied. He sets the Blade on top of the piano. “Hiya, Sam.” Y/n’s eyes flash to my face but she doesn’t say anything, just knocks back whatever liquor is in her glass and turns her attention back to the keys. Dean looks at the bartender. “Hey, Harv, why don’t you go grab a smoke?”

He’s getting the civilian out of the line of fire. That’s a good sign, right? Dean’s still in there.

He focuses on my arm. “Who winged ya?”

I shake my head. “Does it matter?”

He shakes his head, too. “Not really.” He picks up his glass. “I told you to let me go.”

“You know I can’t do that,” I say. I step up closer to them. “By the way, your, uh, pal Crowley…sold you out.”

He drinks down the rest of his liquor and stands, picking up the Blade. “Sounds like him.”

“Dean, hold on a second! You don’t have to do this.” I look over at Y/n. She’s focusing on the piano, playing the Eagles ‘Wasted Time’ now. I can’t believe she’s just sitting there! I turn back to Dean. “Look, we know how to cure demons. You remember that?”

He heads for the bar. “Little Latin, lot’a blood. It rings a bell. Did you ever stop to think that if I wanted to be cured, I wouldn’t have bailed?”

“That was Crowley,” I try.

He turns back to me and smiles as he pours himself a tequila. “It really wasn’t.”

Why would he- “It doesn’t matter, all right?” I start getting closer to him. “‘Cause whatever went down, whatever happened, we will fix it.”

“Will we? ‘Cause right now, I’m doin’ all I can not to come over there and rip your throat out…with my teeth.” I’m nervous, but I’m not going to back down. “I’m giving you a chance, Sam. You should take it. It’s more than I gave Y/n.”

I swallow, look back at her. He didn’t give her a chance to leave, but she’s not dead so… “I’m gonna have to pass.”

“Well, I’m not walkin’ out that door with you. I’m just not. So, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna kill me?” he asks it like it’s a challenge he knows I’m gonna refuse.

“No.”

“Why? You don’t know what I’ve done. Who I’ve done,” he says, looking blatantly at Y/n. He can’t mean what I think he means. “I might have it coming.”

“Well, I-I don’t care,” I stutter out. It’s not a lie…but if he hurt Y/n…that’s a little different. We’ll work through it though. “Because you are my brother. And I’m here to take you home.”

He hums, downs the rest of his tequila then starts laughing at me as he pours himself another glass. “‘You’re my brother, and I’m here to take you home.’ Yeah, what is this, a Lifetime movie? Huh? With your puppy-dog eyes?” He laughs again and it hurts. This is a fucking joke to him. “Oh, thanks, Sammy. I needed that.”

Well, it’s not a joke to me. I pull out the spell-etched handcuffs. He eyes them boredly. “You really think those are gonna work?”

“There’s one way to find out,” I say.

I’m about to try to get the cuffs on him when a smoke bomb shoots through the window over Y/n’s head. It’s Cole. Y/n and I cough as we get out of the bar and she watches as Dean fights him. I go back in for the cuffs. When I finally get them on him and force him into the Impala, I turn to Y/n. “What the hell, Y/n?” She didn’t help me at all!

“Take him home and fix him,” she says, handing me Dean’s keys.

Her voice is…it’s cold and emotionless. “What he said about killing him?” I whisper and she looks down, avoiding my eyes. “I don’t know what he’s done? He might deserve it?”

She shakes her head. “He didn’t…” She licks her lips and looks back up at me, smiling her fake smile. “He was just talking about what he did for Crowley. Take him home.”

Without her? “What about you? I-I might need-”

“No. That ‘time’ I said I need? I need it. I…” Her words drift off as she battles the coldness and sadness in her voice. God, what did he do to her? She wraps her arm around my good side and pats my back. “Good luck, Sammy.”

“Good-?” Good luck? “How much time do you need?”

She looks at Dean in the back of the Impala and whispers, “Goodbye, Sammy,” before walking away. She’ll be back. She’ll come back…or I’ll find her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s been a few hours since I started the cure. I’ve tried to call Y/n a couple times, but her phone goes straight to voicemail every time. Dean rolls his shoulders back as I walk in with my phone in hand. He’s got this combination of boredom and irritation on his face. “Is that Cas? Or my other half?”

I cringe at him calling her that. I’ve never liked his use of that phrase. She’s not his wife. “It wasn’t anyone,” I answer.

“She’s not answerin’, huh?” He clicks his tongue against his teeth and shakes his head. “Yeah, probably not gonna. She’s the kind that runs from ‘er shame, ya know?”

“What does she have to feel ashamed of?” I ask.

He smirks and chuckles. “Oh, Sammy, you don’t wanna know, little brother.”

I don’t. He’s right…but I need to know. “What don’t I want to know, Dean?”

He leans his head back against the chair and hums. “I can’t be sure, of course, but somethin’ tells me she’s pretty humiliated that she let me fuck her.” I gasp. He didn’t. She wouldn’t. “I mean, even though I didn’t really give her a choice in the matter, the fact that she came is probably eatin’ her up inside.”

“She…you what?” I can’t imagine that happening.

“Oh, yeah. Apparently, this wasn’t the first time I made her cum, either. I got drunk and finger blasted her a couple weeks after you went off to college. Damn, you shoulda seen ‘er, Sammy.” He bites his lip and leans forward a bit. “She’s got the tightest little cunt I’ve ever been in. I got her all prepped and ready for me and she was still the tightest, most amazing-”

“Dean, stop.” I look away from him and start preparing the blood injection. His story…even though I’m hoping it isn’t true…it’s making me uncomfortable.

“It was so fuckin’ wrong, ya know, but the Mark, man, liked it. Much as I liked putting the Blade to Abaddon and all the demons Crowley sent after me to sate the Mark…when I got my cock into Y/n, the Mark was singing. I felt good. Oh and when I filled her up with jizz, it was the single-most amazing thing I’ve ever felt.”

Why is that image turning me on? “Dean, seriously, shut up.”

“What, you don’t wanna hear about how I defiled your big sister, Sammy?”

“She’s your sister, too, Dean…and if you did do what you…what you’re saying you did-”

“Oh, I did. I fucked our sister, came inside of her, spanked ‘er ass a few times, grabbed her hair. Think our girl’s a bit of a masochist underneath that tough exterior. Swear I haven’t heard her whimper so much in years. And when I-”

I turn and cross the distance in two steps, jamming the needle into his neck and pressing the plunger. He growls in pain and I step back, leaving the dungeon and heading to my bedroom. The idea of Y/n and Dean…Y/n and anyone, really, but especially her and Dean…it’s so taboo, so wrong, but…fuck.

I’m ashamed but I have a hard on and now I have to take care of it. And I can’t stop thinking about Y/n. I know it’s wrong, but I wish I knew what she looked like when she’s orgasming. I wish I knew what she sounded like. But knowing that she’s committed incest is enough for right now. I cum all over my hand with an imagined picture in my mind.

God, this is bad. This is so bad.


	11. Search

Dean’s been back for a few days. Y/n’s phone is still going straight to voicemail. She hasn’t answered the email I sent her. I’ll find her. It’ll be okay. I know it will be.

I get Dean a burger and fries. He’s been staying in his room. He’s sulking and I understand it, but I need to be there for him. I knock on his door. “I, uh, I brought you some cholesterol,” I say.

“I’m not hungry,” I hear him say through the door.

I can’t take that answer. I open the door and walk in. “Dude, you gotta eat.”

He rolls his eyes and turns away from me. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure this thing on my arm won’t let me starve to death, so…”

I scoff. “Well, I’m not gonna risk you turning into a demon just because you didn’t wanna eat a cheeseburger so…” I toss the paper bag into his lap and lean against his dresser. He rolls his eyes again and pulls out a french fry. His nose crinkles as he eats it. At least he’s trying. “So, I set up traps on all of Y/n’s burners, so if she turns one on we’ll be able to find her.”

He stiffens at the mention of her. It’s hard to believe that this is the same guy who was bragging about forcing her to have sex with him. “Leave it alone, man.”

“What do you mean, ‘leave it alone’?” I ask. “Dean, she needs to know you're okay, that I cured you! She needs to know she can come home."

"She  _ knows _ , Sam!" he explodes and I flinch. "She and Crowley got me to that bar, put me in your hands 'cause they knew you would be able to fix me! And you really expect her to come  _ home _ ? After what I did to-"

I can’t. He wasn’t- "You weren't  _ you _ , Dean, she knows that."

"Yeah, except I  _ was _ ! I was just as me as the drunk asshole that forced himself on her when you ran off to college! It was me! Me, as a demon, doing things...things that made  _ Crowley _ raise an eyebrow." He shakes his head and I just want to fix this. He rubs his hand across his forehead and moves the bag to his side table. "Thanks for the burger, Sam."

"No, come on, Dean. Don't shut down like this, man! You gotta-gotta deal with-"

"What, Sam?! How am I supposed to  _ deal _ ?!" He stands from his bed and turns to look in his mirror with his back to me. "I might have tried to kill you, but I  _ broke _ her and I did it  _ years  _ ago!" I know all about what happened in Washington now. He told me what he did to her...what he remembers of it, anyway. "Ya know, I spent fifteen years wondering what happened to her, blaming her coldness on you leaving and Dad putting too much pressure on her, but it was me. It was all me. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I destroyed the woman I love?"

He’s in love with her. I feel like I knew that. It's something I must have noticed and rationalized as normal sibling love, but it isn't. This is what happens when you take children and isolate them from the world...shove them in motel after motel and make it where they can’t tell anyone about their lives, can’t connect with anyone but each other.

“Just leave me alone, Sam. Please,” he whispers. He sounds so broken.

“Eat something,” I say before leaving him alone. I don’t think he’s going to eat, but I have to try.

God, I wish I could help them. I wish I could get them to talk to each other, fix this. Now that we know what changed with Y/n all those years ago, maybe we could work together and fix it.

I’m gonna find her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**_‘Y/n, please come home. We’ve all done horrible things to each other, but the things we’ve done for each other are more important. Focus on the good. Come home. Please. We can work through this as a family, just come home.’_ **

I keep sending her emails but she hasn’t answered any of them. I don’t really blame her, but...I wish I knew how to get her to come back. I’m so worried. She hasn’t been out of contact this long since I was living with Amelia...except I know she’s not watching out for us from afar this time. She’s just gone.

And Dean is getting worse. After what he did at the group home Claire was living in...I need Y/n’s help. 

I keep thinking about what Dean said… “Much as I liked putting the Blade to Abaddon...when I got my cock into Y/n, the Mark was singing.” Maybe if she came back...maybe if she…

God, it’s too horrible to even consider, but...if she comes home…maybe she can save him.

“Where’d she go?” Jody asks when I email her a list of aliases Y/n usually uses.

“I don’t know, Jody, that’s why I need you to help me find her.”

“Okay, but was she taken, did she leave? What happened?”

I sigh. “She...she said she needed time, but she hasn’t answered her email or turned on her phone in months and I just need to make sure she’s okay. If I could get in contact with her, that’d be even better.”

“Okay, Sam. I’ll run it through the databases.” 

“Thank you so much.”

“Of course, Sam.” 

I feel a bit better now that I have Jody backing me up...because Dean isn’t backing me up. He’s still moping over the loss of Y/n but refuses to try to get her back. He feels bad about what he did, what he wants to do, and I understand that, but...I need to bring her home. Even if she wasn't the best way I can think of to help Dean with the Mark...I miss her. She’s my big sister and I love her and Dean won’t let me bring her home.

It’s a couple weeks later that I get an alert about a woman named Ann Wilson showing up dead in Milwaukee. I call Jody because she’s supposed to be updating me on Y/n’s aliases. “Hey, you still got that list of aliases I sent you?” I ask her, quietly because I don’t want Dean to hear.

“Yeah, of course I do,” she answers.

“Well, then, why didn't you tell me about this Ann Wilson that popped in Milwaukee?” I ask.

“That woman was seventy-eight, Sam,” Jody answers, and I look over the death certificate.

“Oh, I didn’t notice the age. Sorry, Jody.”

“It’s okay, Sam, I know you’re worried-”

“I’m gonna say it one more time-” Dean’s voice covers Jody’s as he walks into the War Room. “Because I obviously wasn’t clear the first time.”

I stand up, sending the chair rolling behind me. “Call you back, Jody,” I say and I set my phone on the map table. “Dean,” I start.

“Stop looking for Y/n,” he says, pronouncing each word specifically.

“Dean, she’s  _ my  _ sister too, ya know? I’m worried about her. I’m worried about  _ both _ of you!” I exclaim and I step closer to him. Anger crosses his face.

“Oh,  _ I’m _ fine!” he denies. “But you, you’re so  _ worried _ about Y/n that you wanna try to  _ force _ her to confront something she might never be ready to confront. How fuckin’ selfish can you be?”

Selfish. I’m not being selfish. I’m trying to save him from the Mark of Cain. I look away from him. “You’re not fine. You’re losing it. The Mark is-”

“-not goin’ anywhere, Sam!” he explodes.

“Yeah, well, maybe Y/n can help calm it down, Dean!” And I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have told him where my mind has been.

“And how do you expect her to do  _ that _ , Sam?” I look at my feet because he’s not gonna agree. He’s not gonna understand that this is his best bet. “No. Absolutely not.”

“Hear me out, okay?” I try and I know that it’s coming off a bit desperate, but I have to try something. “You told me that the Mark liked it, that it was satisfied with the--the darkness there, right? It’s the only way we could calm it down without violence.”

“You don’t call that  _ violence _ ?!” he shouts and I flinch a bit. It’s not as violent as what he did to Claire’s foster father and those other jerks. It’s no more violent than what’s been done to her in the past. “I threatened to break her bones, forced her to…” He takes a deep breath and licks his lips. “No. No, Sam. No.” He leaves on that note. I’m sure he thinks I’m gonna leave it alone. He told me to, Y/n wants to be left alone, but...I have to keep looking.

It’s not selfish. It’s not. I’m trying to help him. That’s not selfish.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Has he lost his mind completely, yet?” Crowley asks, popping up in the grocery store next to me.

“No,” I answer shortly.

“But he’s getting close?”

He hurt Charlie. He couldn’t stop himself, couldn’t  _ control _ himself, and he hurt Charlie. ‘Getting close’ isn’t close enough. “What do you want, Crowley?” I snap.

“I wanna know what yer doin’ to save yer brother, Moose.”

I roll my eyes. “We’re trying to figure out how to get the Mark off of him, but there’s not much else we can-”

“What are you going to do to keep him from losing his damn mind  _ before  _ you get the Mark of Cain off of him? He won’t last much longer like this, Sam.”

“There’s not much I  _ can _ do, Crowley.”

“No, not  _ you _ ,” he says and I turn to look down at him. Is he thinking the same thing I am? “Where’s yer big sister?” He  _ is _ .

I swallow and look away from him. “I don’t know. She’s not talking and Dean won’t let me go searching for her.”

"Why's that?"

"Because if she wanted to be home, she'd come home."

He studies my face for a moment then rolls his eyes. "You know there's a surefire way to calm his murder addiction without any loss of life and yer just gonna let her stay gone?"

"Dean won't let me look! I've been trying to convince him for months! What do you want me to do?" I spit out at him. Part of me doesn’t want him to have another shot at her. Part of me hates that he needs to fuck her again to keep himself sane.

"Yer not above sneaking around behind yer brother's back. Why's this any different?"

"I've done what I can from behind his back."

Crowley smiles. “Well, then...looks like it’s my turn.”

He disappears before I have a chance to ask him exactly what he’s planning to do. I don’t think I really want to know how he’s planning to find her and bring her home...because he’s going to bring her home and that’s the important part. She’s gonna be here and we’re going to be able to help Dean.

She’ll help Dean, right? He’s her twin brother. She doesn’t want him to be lost to the Mark of Cain. She’ll help him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Femme-Twin Found.**

A feeling of relief rolls over me as I read the text from Crowley. She’s safe and she’s gonna be home soon. A pit forms in my stomach almost immediately, though...because I have to ask her to sacrifice herself. I have to ask her to…

It’s going to be worth it. Keeping Dean from losing his mind long enough to save him...it’s gonna be worth it. She’ll see.

It’s twenty minutes later that Crowley shows up with Y/n in tow. She looks good, despite the pain on her face from Crowley teleporting her to the Bunker. I rush to her and wrap my arms around her. She smells like sunscreen and coconut oil and roses. "I brought that package for Dean. Where is he?" Crowley asks.

As soon as I release her, she glares at Crowley. She obviously didn't come willingly. “He’s, uh, in the gym. Punching bag. We thought-”

“Good. I can get out of here before he sees me.” 

She starts to leave and I can't let her go until I talk to her. If she just listens for a few minutes, she'll understand. I grab her arm to stop her. "You don't have to go."

“First off, you don’t get to decide where I go and when," she snaps. "Second, you’re obviously fuckin’ confused here, because there is no fuckin’  _ way  _ that I am  _ staying _ here.”

She’s pissed. “Dean needs-”

“Fuck Dean’s needs!” she practically growls at me. I haven’t seen her like this. “That mark on his arm is  _ his  _ fault. It’s  _ Crowley’s  _ fault. We could have neutralized Abaddon without the damn First Blade but those two rushed into this shit headfirst. And who pays the price, huh? Charlie, and  _ me _ , and whoever else he’s fucked up because of the darkness seeping out into his already  _ dark  _ fuckin’ soul. I’m not fucking sticking around to try to help him clean up his fucking mess!”

“Y/n, you haven’t even talked to him since-” I try but she interrupts me.

“Do you know why I’m here, Sam? Do you know what Crowley wants me to do?!” I can’t look her in the eye. Crowley’s already primed her with a request and she’s obviously not happy about it. She scoffs. “You  _ do _ , and you think I should say ‘yes’.” She sounds so offended.

“We have to save Dean, Y/n. We can’t just let him become this-”

“I told you both ‘no’, Crowley.” Dean’s voice makes my body stiffen and Y/n’s body jerk. She bites her lip and turns to the mouth of the hallway.

“‘No’ didn’t mean much when  _ she  _ said it, either…to you  _ or  _ me,” Crowley says, raising his eyebrows at Dean. “She’s here. Deal with it.”

“Take her back,” Dean demands, his voice gruff. Y/n cringes, stomps toward the spiral staircase. I just got her back and she’s leaving us again already?

“I’m not going back to the place where he found me so that he can pop in and Cas me away whenever he feels like it. I’ll get out of here on my own, thanks.”

“Probably best not to mouth off, Y/n,” Crowley says, smirking a little. Dean sneers.

“Don’t talk to her, Crowley.”

“Don’t need your help, Dean,” she growls, grabbing the railing and taking the stairs two at a time. She’s really not even gonna try to talk to us?

“Can you not at least fucking talk to each other?” I shout. “He’s not a demon, anymore, Y/n!”

“He wasn’t a demon when he chased Jesse out of my fucking life, Sam!” She’s right. He wasn’t, and it was wrong of him to chase Jesse off, but that’s not the point right now. “He wasn’t a demon in Puyallup, either! We all know what he did and why you think I can help him, but no one has offered a valid reason why I fuckin’  _ should _ .”

I open my mouth to try to explain that it’s a temporary solution but it’s the only solution we have right now, but Dean gets his words out first. “Jesse was a piece of shit.” She stops at the top of the stairs and glares down at him, her chest huffing as she turns. “You deserved better than him.”

“Oh, did I? Because after Jesse, all I got was depression and fucking loneliness,” she spits angrily. They’re both right. She deserved better but it wasn’t his choice to make. “Because of  _ you _ . Because you decided that you didn’t want to see me with some other man and that your happiness was so much more important than mine. Bite me, Dean.”

“Guys, don’t do this!” I beg. “We’re family, we can-”

“Shut up, Sam!” they both shout.

“‘We’re family’ is half the problem here,” Y/n continues.

“Who the hell are you kidding? Us being family is the  _ whole  _ problem,” Dean argues. “If we weren’t family, there wouldn’t be any issues here.”

“Yes, there would! You chased away every chance at happiness I ever had! You’ve been selfish and terrible and disgusting and fucking  _ sick _ and-” Her words cut off as Dean suddenly rushes the stairs, rage on his face. He wraps his hand around her throat and she grabs at his wrist.

“ _ Dean! _ ” I shout as he forces her back into the wall next to the door.

“Give ‘em a minute, Moose,” Crowley says, watching them closely.

“Do you know how fucking hard it’s been for me to not track you down and drag you screaming back here where you fucking belong?” I can barely hear Dean’s words, but I can hear enough. “Do you know how much control this has taken? When I know how you taste, what you feel like, the noises you make when you cum? When I finally know what makes you moan, how tight your pussy is? Do you know how hard this has been for me?”

She whimpers and my throat goes dry. That’s not right, how that sound affects me. “G-get off’a me,” she says weakly. “I don’t belong here.”

He slides his knee between her thighs and I know what’s going to happen. I know what he’s going to do to her. I know it’s for the best, but...it’s wrong.

“Now would be the time to leave, Sam,” Crowley suggests. “‘Less you wanna see this.”

Part of me does. I’ve seen Dean in the act a few times. I’ve only ever imagined or dreamed Y/n doing it. Seeing them together? 

I can’t though. If Y/n knew I witnessed it, she’d freak...but I can’t go to my room. Her room is closer. I can hear them from her room. 

They fight some more. I can hear him growling at her and her shouting back and then she screams. It's not pain, not anger, it's pleasure. He said she liked it, that he made her cum. He's gonna do it again.

She starts moaning, and he's grunting, and I'm getting hard because I can just  _ see _ her in my head. He's probably taking her from behind because he wouldn't want to worry about taking her pants all the way off, she's probably holding herself up by her elbows because he's taking her so much harder than she's used to. She's probably dripping wet.

And I'm hard as rock.

I unzip my jeans and quickly pull my dick out. I focus on the sound of her whimpering moans and try to forget that this is my big sister and her twin brother that I'm listening to. I wrap my hand around my cock and jack it to the sounds. I cum fast, and that's good because it gives me time to clean up while Dean finishes with her.

I wonder if Dean's gonna try to talk to her. Maybe he's the one that can convince her to stay. Wouldn't even talk to me. Well, I'll stay in her room...if she stays, I'll get her to talk to me. I hear Dean say, “Welcome home, sis. I owe you fourteen more.”

I sit on the end of her bed and wait for her, hands folded in my lap. She stiffens when she walks in and sees me. She takes a deep breath and walks over to her dresser. “I’m sorry,” I say.

“You didn’t do it,” she responds quietly.

Yeah, I did. “I sent Crowley to find you.” She tenses up and I know she must be angry, but I have to finish explaining. “Dean told me, when I got him back here, he was taunting me. He told me what he did and he told me that the Mark liked it almost as much as the killing and...he almost killed Charlie. He’s been getting worse and-”

“Sam, shut up. I understand,” she interrupts me. She doesn’t want to talk about it. She pulls out a pair of dark blue jeans and a pink tank top...no plaid overshirt. “I’m here. I’m helping. Don’t make it a thing.”

“‘Don’t make it a’--Y/n, come on.”

She turns to glare at me. “Sam. This needs to be one of those things that we all know about and no one talks about.” She really doesn’t wanna talk about it? She wants to act like it’s not happening? “Like Dean’s weird Golden Girls thing or your Bon Jovi obsession.”

That’s not healthy. “Y/n. This isn’t-”

She shakes her head and pulls a brown paper bag out of her pocket, pulling a light pink compact out and hiding it in her dresser drawer. “Don’t tell him you saw that. It’s a thing.” Was that...birth control? She smiles a tight smile and sighs. “It’s not your fault. I don’t blame you. But we need to not talk about it.”

It is my fault. It was my idea before it was Crowley’s. I stand and nod. I want to apologize again. I want to make sure she’s okay. I want to hug her and run my fingers through her hair and promise that it’s all gonna be worth it, but I don’t. I pat her shoulder and walk out of her room.

It  _ is _ going to be worth it, though.


	12. Sickness

**Summary** : Y/n is back and Sam can see how the situation is wearing on her. Dean, however, is happier than he’s been in years. Sam is just a little bit jealous. ****

**Story Warnings** : incestuous thoughts, mentions of twincest, masturbation, guilt and shame, voyeurism (kinda. Listening to sex counts, right?),

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n’s been back a couple days. She’s mostly staying in her room and I understand why. But at least she’s home. She’s home and somehow Dean got her to agree to stay. I’m in the kitchen early when she ventures out of her room for food. She startles when she sees me, then looks at her feet.

“Not running today?” she asks, walking over to pull down a box of the cereal from the shelf.

“No. Not today.” She nods. She’s still avoiding looking at me. Why does everything have to be so awkward between us? _I’m_ not the one that fucked her. _I’m_ not the one who came screaming in the middle of the entrance to the bunker. I’m just the one who jacked off to it.

I look at the table to avoid looking at her. This is so messed up. This is so unfair. Shouldn’t have to be on eggshells because of Dean. I look up, planning to say something to her, but she’s licking milk off of her spoon and the way her tongue moves makes my dick twitch. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “So…are you doing okay?”

She’s quiet for a minute and I open my eyes. “Of course I am,” she whispers, eventually.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Y/n.”

She sighs and shakes her head. “We said we weren’t gonna talk about this, Sam.”

Yeah, ‘cause I could just ignore it. “I figured since you’ve had a couple days, maybe we could-”

“No.” She turns to look at me, setting her cereal bowl on the counter. “No. A couple days isn’t even enough for me to get _my_ head around it, so-”

“Maybe I can help you get your head around it, Y/n. Please. I feel so…” I stand and step closer to her. “I feel useless here.”

She scoffs and looks away. “Better than feeling used.”

“It’ll get better. We just have to find a way to get the Mark of Cain off of him.”

She shakes her head. “Yeah, and where are we on that, Sammy?” she asks bitterly. “We’re _nowhere_ on that.”

“Not nowhere.” I step closer, leaning a bit into her space. “No, I-I haven’t been able to talk to you about it, but there’s a book. It’s, uh, it’s called The Book of the Damned and it’s the only lore book that has anything _real_ about the Mark…or, that’s how it looks from what I’ve seen about it online.”

Her eyes go wide, a little bit hopeful. “Book of the Damned?”

I smile, loving the way she finally doesn’t look like all is lost. “Yeah. Yeah, the Book of the Damned. It’s in Tuscany, but Charlie’s going for it. She’ll be back soon…and then-” I laugh a little. “Then we can read the book and fix him.”

She smiles just a little bit, but it’s enough. “I just have to hold out, huh? I can do that.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you can.” I reach out and grab her shoulder. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

She just nods and walks out of the kitchen with her bowl in her hands.

Dean comes in a few hours later to tell me that Jody called us in under suspicious circs. “Y/n’s gonna ride shotgun, so you can lay your lanky ass out in the backseat on the way to Sioux Falls, okay?”

I raise my eyebrows. “I never take the back.”

He shrugs. “I just want Y/n next to me, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

Of course. He’s gonna mess with her on the ride. “Dean, be nice, okay? She’s already apprehensive about being back and I don’t-”

“She’s here for me, Sammy. She knows that involves gettin’ back to conjoined-level of twinage. Gotta take some baby steps.” He chuckles and licks his lips. “Except, ‘stead of joined at the hip, we’re joined at-”

“Okay!” I interrupt, a little loud. “I’ll ride in the back seat.”

“Cool. Get your shit together.” He walks out and I sigh, leaning down to pick up my duffel bag from the floor. When I get to the garage, Dean is glaring at Y/n as she climbs into the front seat. I hear him mutter an angry, “Gonna regret that shit,” as he follows her into the car.

Great. He’s already in a mood. He turns the heat on as soon as we’re out of the garage. It’s not cold…what the fuck? “Dude, what are you doing?” I ask.

“Y/n’s too cold for a skirt so I’m gonna warm ‘er up,” he snaps. Oh. He’s doing it to punish Y/n for daring to wear something other than what he wanted her to wear.

“That’s kinda immature, Dean,” I mutter, pulling my phone out. They’re gonna bicker. Dean’s gonna be a dick, she’s gonna keep resisting…and when he gets whatever he wants out of her…he’s gonna do something…she’s not gonna want me to see.

They fight over the heat for a while before she gives up trying to turn it off. I start sweating pretty much immediately. It’s only about twenty minutes before I strip off my flannel and shirt. Dean starts stripping too, but Y/n stays stubborn. She keeps every stitch of cloth on her. I’m kinda proud of how long she holds out…but she looks so uncomfortable.

I put my headphones in when she starts pushing up her sleeves. He’s gonna win soon. I put on Spotify, a 90s pop playlist. I make sure the volume is down as Natalie Imbruglia starts in my ears. I don’t want to risk Dean hearing and giving me shit.

She’s dripping sweat worse than I am by the time she gives in completely, ending up in a sweat-soaked pair of leggings and tank top. Dean flips off the heat and rolls down his window. Y/n rolls down hers and a gust of cool air rushes across the car. “Thank you,” I say, still focusing on my phone.

I have the volume on my music down enough that I can hear them in the front. “All I wanted was a bit of easy access,” Dean says, looking over at her. “That’s all. Why fight me, huh?”

“You don’t own me, Dean. You don’t get to tell me how to dress,” she snaps. Good for her. Dean reaches over and forces her to slide across the bench to sit right next to him. Here it comes. I can barely see what he’s doing, especially since I’m watching from my peripheral vision, but I see when she starts shaking. “Don’t. Sam’s _right_ there,” she whines, but she doesn’t sound like she wants him to stop.

“Sam had Crowley serve you to me on a silver fucking platter. He doesn’t get to feign ignorance,” Dean says. I’m not feigning ignorance…and if I do, it’s for her benefit. “Hell, maybe he gets off on it, too.”

I hate how well he knows me, sometimes. Almost as much as I hate that I get off on it.

“No,” Y/n says, obviously upset at the idea. Shit. I hate that. I hate that he’s right. I hate that I get off on it and I hate that she just wants everything to be normal. I hate that she just…is with Dean. I hate that I don’t get her.

“You don’t know. There wasn’t nearly as much disgust in his eyes when I told him as you’d think.” Fuck, Dean, don’t tell her that. I want her to keep denying it. “Unzip me, Y/n,” he says, shifting around as he drives. Shit. Road head? He’s really going for- “Suck me.”

My dick twitches at the pathetic way she squeaks out “ _What_?”. What is wrong with me? Dean moves around and demands that she suck his dick and she shakes her head. “No! Sam is right in the back. I-I _can’t_ ,” she argues. That’s not going to work.

“I’m either gettin’ road head or I’m pulling off to the shoulder and fucking you with _Sam right in the back_. Up to you.” Keep resisting, Y/n. I wanna see you get fucked ‘til you can’t fuckin’ move.

Unfortunately, she gives in. She leans over and I can’t see her in my peripheral vision anymore, but if I turn my head a little, I can just catch a bit of her in the rearview mirror. “Eyes on the road. You swerve _once_ , I stop,” she threatens.

“Sure,” he agrees, his left hand adjusting on the wheel.

I turn down the volume some more so that I can hear the slurping sounds and kisses over the sound of Sheryl Crow. I’m mostly in my imagination, but I can see what she’s doing in my mind’s eye. I watch him in the rearview suddenly grab a fistful of her hair and thrust upward. She chokes and flails and my dick gets hard in response.

I have to take a few slow, deep breaths to deal with it as she starts deep-throating him. The sounds she makes, the way he grunts every time she swallows around him…my dick is pressing hard against my zipper and I would love to let the beast out, but I have to pretend.

She moans when his hand disappears into her leggings. “Fuck, sis. You’re fuckin’ wet. Maybe I should stop the car anyway,” Dean groans. Do it. Please, do it.

She makes a sound of disagreement and the slurping sounds get louder. She’s trying to make him cum before he changes his mind. But her little moans get louder too. Fuck.

Oh, shit…she swallows. My big sister swallows.

I turn up the music as they pull away from each other and fix their clothes. She looks back at me as soon as she gets her clothes back on and I look away. I don’t know why, but I feel like she can see the shame on my face. I tap out a text to her, though. No eye contact needed for a text.

She answers my ‘ **You ok?** ’ text with a nice, simple lie of ‘ **Fine** ’. I focus on my phone. Just have to wait for the erection to go away and it’ll all be fine. Everything will be fine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jody lets us in and hugs Dean, telling him how he looks so much better than last time she saw him. She’s right. He does. He looks happier, less stressed. Less like the Mark is changing him. More like the old Dean.

Dean calls attention to the fact that Y/n’s back and calls her ‘the calm to his crazy’. If only Jody knew _how_ she calms his crazy. Jody questions Y/n on where she was and Claire walks up. I watch Dean’s face as Claire talks to Y/n and I think he’s probably still a little pissed at the girl for what she pulled. Claire ends up saying, “Jody’s pretty okay” and then Jody takes us all over to the table.

Dean and I sit on opposite sides of Y/n as Jody fills our plates with spaghetti and meatballs. Dean is right next to her, has his knee touching hers and I kinda wanna mimic him, but I don’t. I scoot my chair closer to the table and focus on the food on my plate. Y/n reaches out and grabs the shaker of parmesan. “So, the case?” Y/n asks.

“Oh, well, I probably should have told you before you got her, but I’m pretty sure there’s another hunter already working it,” Jody says, grabbing a piece of garlic bread.

“That’s fine,” Y/n says, twirling a bit of pasta on her fork. “I mean, we’re not elitists or anything. We work with other hunters just fine.”

I immediately think of Roy and Walt sending us to Heaven. “Except when they’re killing us,” I say. Dean flinches at the reminder and Y/n turns to glare at me.

“Roy and Walt don’t count. Shut up,” she snaps before turning her attention back to Jody. “What’s the case and why do you think someone else is already on it?”

“Well, I think it’s a ghoul. Grave robberies and a kid swears he saw his dead uncle walking around the other night, but I’m not completely sure. You guys know your monsters better than me.” Jody takes a drink of her beer and smiles across the table at us. “I’ve gotten pretty good at the aliases you guys use, and I know my country music. Had a long-haired, Irish ‘FBI agent’ come into my office yesterday…his creds said ‘Ronald Kix Brooks’.”

Oh shit. The way Y/n tenses up…that’s gotta be- “What?” Y/n whispers.

“Yeah, Ronnie Kix Brooks, an amalgam of the guys from Brooks & Dunn,” Jody explains.

“Yeah, we know. Y/n’s ex-boyfriend was a big Brooks & Dunn fan,” Dean practically growls. He needs to tone that shit down or Jody’s gonna ask questions.

“His real name’s Jesse O’Reilly,” I say, trying to break some of the tension.

“Seems like a sore spot,” Claire says, almost boredly twirling her spaghetti. Dean really needs to tone it-

“Yeah, he was a complete douchebag.” No, that’s a completely normal reaction to your sister’s ex, Dean. “So, he’s here in Sioux Falls?”

“Yeah, he’s staying at the Motel 6 off the interstate. He left his card. I’ve got it in the bedroom.” Jody shakes her head. “He seemed like a nice guy.”

Y/n clears her throat and stands up, stumbling away from me and Dean. She’s gonna cry, I can see it on her face. “I need a minute,” she says before rushing away toward the bathroom.

An awkward silence comes over the table, so I lick my lips and try to break it. “Jesse was her only real boyfriend and it-it didn’t work out,” I explain, glaring at Dean a bit from my peripheral vision. Didn’t work out because he ruined it for her.

“Hmmm. I always got a lesbian vibe off of her,” Claire mutters under her breath. Wonder how many people have been given that idea because Dean wouldn’t let her have a life?

“Yeah, well, get your gaydar looked at, ‘cause my sister’s not,” Dean snaps. He’s rubbing at his forearm…at the Mark.

“She just…she hasn’t had a lot of opportunity for…for dating,” I explain, thinking of the ‘dating’ she’s doing now. I can feel my face heat up at the memory of what happened between them in the car.

I’m just coming back from it when Dean stands up and sets his fork on his plate. “I’m gonna go check on her,” he says, patting my shoulder as he walks away to find her in the bathroom.

‘Check on her’. Yeah, he’s gonna check on her. He’s gonna berate her for having feelings he doesn’t approve of, that’s what he’s gonna do. I should get up and defend her. She’s allowed to feel things. She’s allowed to hurt after what Dean made Jesse do to her.

I smile as I stand up and follow to the bathroom. When I get to the door, I can hear them on the other side. “You’re my _brother_ , Dean, not my boyfriend,” Y/n says.

“I’m fuckin’ both, right now, aren’t I?” he growls and I hear her gasp. “And I think you need a fuckin’ reminder of what you signed up for, sweetheart.” Not here, dude!

“Please, Dean. Not _here_!” she begs before there’s some shuffling sounds.

“Yes. Wherever the hell I _want_ , Y/n. Now, hold on and keep your fuckin’ mouth shut. Don’t want Jody and the teenie-boppers to know you’re such a whore for me, do you?” Shit. That made my dick twitch. Oh, and the little slurping noises and happy moans he’s making? He’s eating her out. Right there in Jody’s bathroom. Fuck.

I press down on my dick and circle around to the living room. I hook Jody’s stereo system up to my phone and turn on ‘Unchain The Night’. I turn it up and head back to the table. “Dokken. Y/n needs a lift,” I explain. Jody nods in understanding but Claire and Alex just shrug.

The playlist has shuffled through some KISS and Queen and has gotten to a Ladyheart song by the time Y/n and Dean exit the bathroom. To their credit, they have covered themselves well. You’d never know to look at them. Dean grabs their plates and walks over to the microwave as Y/n takes her seat in the middle, sniffling just enough to convince them that she was crying. “Sorry about that. Jesse, uh, kinda abandoned me…for no reason.” She looks over at me. “Thanks for the boost with the Ladyheart, Sam. I really needed that music,” she says, and I can see the appreciation in her eyes. It’s the least I can do to help them keep it secret since I set this whole thing up.

“Can we turn it off now, please? I do not wanna listen to Ladyheart and Bon Jovi and Cinderella and shit while I’m trying to eat,” Dean complains as he sets her plate in front of her.

“Put on Creedence,” Jody says. “Something we can _all_ agree on.”

“Speak for yourself,” Alex responds.

Y/n lights up a bit as I stand to disconnect the stereo. “Uh-huh. Just put on some Backstreet Boys or something,” she jokes and Dean chuckles.

“Are you trying to get shot?” Claire complains as Dean sits down to eat.

“All right! S’ghetti!” he exclaims. He’s such a little kid sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean takes us to the Motel 6. I’m sure it’s on purpose. He wants to run into Jesse. Wants to show Y/n that she’s better off without Boston. I don’t like it when he manipulates her like that. But…I’m not much better, am I?

“You okay, Y/n?” I ask as we get out of the car.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” she says, looking over at the pickup truck with the crucifix hanging from the rearview.

“Okay. So…I’m gonna go get some snacks and beers and stuff,” I say and Dean tosses me the keys before he walks into the main office. I catch them easily and get into the front seat. I drive to the nearest grocery shop. I grab a cart and start walking the aisles. I’m not thinking about much as I walk the shelves, but memories and images sneak through.

What if…Y/n is just as bad as Dean and me? I mean…I’ve been having trouble for a few years, Dean’s apparently been having trouble since they were teens…she can’t be the only one of us that was immune to whatever fucked our heads up. And she likes it, doesn’t she? She gets wet for him, she cums for him. I know this is not something she would ever have done before, but it’s not something she completely hates doing.

When we get the Mark off of Dean, will things go back to the way they used to be? Will we all just go back to being in denial of the things we want, the things we’ve done? Will Y/n run away again once she’s no longer needed by Dean?

Or will she stay? Because she loves him and she likes it?

I blink a few times, looking down at the cart. It’s full. I don’t even remember putting half of this stuff in the cart, I’m so distracted. But there’s everything I came for.

I text Dean to find out which room we’re in and he responds with ‘ **107\. Knock soft** ’. I grab the bags and knock on the door as quietly as I can. Dean lets me in and I set the bags on the table. Y/n is lying on the bed, her eyes are all puffy and red like she’s been crying. “She okay?” I whisper.

“Yeah, we ran into Lucky Charms. She realized I was right about him,” Dean says, shrugging. “She’ll be all right. Should probably wake her up, get some PJs on her. She hates passin’ out in her day clothes.” Which is true. She used to bitch about it all the time when we had to sleep in the car or anywhere that she couldn’t get changed into night clothes.

Dean walks over to her duffel bag and starts digging through her clothes. He tenses suddenly and pulls out a little pink compact. That’s her birth control. She said he wasn’t supposed to find out that she was taking it…and I can see why. The rage that radiates off of him is palpable. He stomps into the bathroom and dumps the pills into the sink, turning the water on to wash them down the drain.

I step between them when he comes back out and try to stop him. “Dean. Don’t. She-”

“I know _why_ , Sam! She shoulda told me!” he snaps, pushing me out of the way to jump on the bed and grab her chin. “Look at me!” She looks half-terrified when she opens her eyes. “I understand, sis. I _do_ , but I can’t let you stay on the pill. I need to see you swell with our baby, Y/n.” I swallow heavily, my dick starting to swell when he grabs her tits roughly. “I need these tits full and sensitive. I need the beautiful green-eyed combination of you and me that we’re going to make. There’s nothing the Mark would love more.” Fuck, that’s sick, but…the way he’s touching her…

He fists his hands in her shirt and rips it straight down the middle. The way she whimpers makes my jaw drop. He pulls the cups of her bra down and starts sucking at her nipples. Her tits are perfect, her nipples immediately responsive.

I have to tear my eyes away from her body and turn to go into the bathroom. I’m breathing hard as I shift closer to the door. I’m still on the outside of the action, but I’m so close to them. They’re right on the other side of the door. I can hear the little grunts he’s giving off. I can hear the bed squeaking as he rage-fucks her.

And she likes it. She’s whining, giving little moans, then she starts rambling out ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ and I can’t help myself. I pull my dick out of my pants, close my eyes and start fucking my fist to the sounds she’s making. Fuck, she’s enjoying herself so much. She’s so fucking loud.

Dean starts whispering to her and she cries out…and I cum all over the shower curtain with a moan that’s way louder than I should have. Fuck. They heard that. They had to have heard that.

What do I even do about that? Deny it? That’s…the only option, right?

I take my time cleaning myself and the shower curtain up. I really don’t want to face them…but eventually I have to leave the bathroom. Dean smirks at me when I walk out. “You have fun in there, Sam?” he asks, amused.

“Shut up, Dean,” I say, sitting on my bed and avoiding looking at either of them.

“Ya know, there’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re just as fucked as us,” Dean continues.

“Dean, stop,” Y/n begs. Her voice is a little broken.

“Nah, I’m just sayin’ we aren’t gonna judge so why-”

“Shut up, Dean!” she snaps. She really doesn’t want to think about me getting off to her. Guess we’re both in denial.

Dean puts his hands up in surrender and grabs the keys from the table. “I need something stronger than beer. I’m gonna hit the liquor store down the street,” he says before he leaves.

We sit in silence for a few minutes. She’s so silent, just staring at the TV with blanked-out eyes. “We’re gonna get the Mark off of him,” I blurt out eventually.

“Then what?” she says, sounding so numb. The way she sounds, the way she’s so hollow, makes me feel worse about jacking off to her…so many times.

I turn to look at her and I feel even more ashamed. She’s not like me and Dean. She doesn’t want this. “Then everything will-”

“Dean and I are sick, Sam,” she interrupts me. I swallow and look away. “It didn’t start with the Mark and it won’t end with it.”

I shake my head. “You aren’t sick. D-dean, he…he didn’t have anybody but you and that attachment morphed in puberty, it happens.” Happened to me, too. “A-and you, you don’t even want to be doing this. You’re doing it to keep him from losing his mind.”

“But I like it,” she whispers, so full of shame. “I’ve never felt more loved or wanted or…needed as I do when he’s…For the first time in years, I’m hungry for something and it’s him. That isn’t going away with the Mark.”

“Yeah, well…we’ll deal with it when we get the Mark off of him. Just…keep him sane ‘til then.”

“Yeah. Okay,” she says in the same hollow tone.

I’d do anything to get that hollowness out of her voice. “I’m working on it, Y/n. I promise.” I gotta get in touch with Charlie.


	13. Absence

**Summary** : Sam just wants things to go back to normal...and it’s not because he wants Dean to stop having a reason to be intimate with Y/n, right?

**Story Warnings** : incestuous thoughts, mentions of twincest, guilt and shame, incestuous kissing, mentions of forced miscarriage, depression, angst

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We’re so close. I can _feel_ it. As soon as Charlie figures out how to read the book...we’re gonna fix Dean. We’re gonna get that Mark off of him, and not a moment too soon because I think it’s really starting to get to Y/n. Her depression is getting bad. She’s barely leaving Dean’s bed these days...and I think she might be sick. Though, with the way Dean keeps his room, it’s probably environmental.

We’re gonna be okay. I’m gonna kill Crowley. Rowena’s gonna take the Mark off of Dean and then everything’s gonna be okay. Everything can go back to normal...right?

Except it can’t, right? It’s never really gonna go back to normal. Not after everything Dean’s done to her. Not after everything she _let_ him do and I encouraged. I mean, we’re great at pushing the bad stuff down, but there’s no way we forget this. There’s no way we push this down...and I’m not sure if I really want to.

Why does Dean get to tell her how he feels and I don’t? Why does Dean get to hold her, kiss her, fuck her, and I don’t? Why do I have to be the good little brother, keep my mask on, pretend like I don't get off on her the same way Dean does? Why can't I just tell her that I want her?

It'd just make everything more complicated. I know that. I know. And right now, I'm a bit of a safe place for her and I don't want to fuck that up by admitting I'm just as bad as Dean. Maybe I’m worse. Maybe I’m the worst of us.

She looks a bit green when I walk into the library. “You okay?” I ask and she nods, clicking closed whatever tab she was looking at on her laptop.

“Yeah. Dean and I got into that week-old Chinese food last night and I think it just...was a bad idea. I crunched a few Tums, I’ll be good in a bit.”

I nod at her. “Want some crackers? I think there’s some in the kitchen.” She shakes her head. “Okay. Anything else I can-”

“Stoppit,” she says under her breath. I turn to her and she shakes her head. “Stop treating me like a paper doll. I’m not fragile, Sammy. Please, just...stop acting like I’m incapable of-”

“Hey, that’s not what I’m doing. Not at all. I just thought...if you’re sick, you might want-”

“If I wanted something, I’d get it my damn self!” she snaps, picking up her laptop and walking away with it.

Well, that was abrupt. I didn’t mean to offend her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n threw up when we found Charlie in that bathtub. Dean’s livid. He was pissed before we found Charlie and now? He’s so pissed off at me...and I am too. I just wanted to save Dean. _Charlie_ just wanted to save Dean...and saving Dean saves Y/n! Why can’t he see that?

And she _needs_ saving. She’s weak, she’s tired, she’s barely keeping herself together, and she’s sick. He’s making her sick. What else was I supposed to do?!

We make a pyre in the middle of the woods, not a word between us as we’re all stuck in thoughts of Charlie. She was such an amazing woman. I feel her loss more than any in a long long while.

Y/n stumbles a few times. I consider offering to take the logs off of her hands, but she doesn’t want me treating her like she’s fragile so I just keep going. Dean picks Charlie up and takes her to the pyre. I help him place her where she’s supposed to be and Y/n lights the fire...and then she starts crying. Someone should say something.

“Charlie. We’re gonna miss you,” I start. “You were the best and I’m so sorry-”

“Shut up,” Dean snaps. I look over at him, shocked that he interrupted me. “You got her killed, you don’t get to apologize.”

I have to fight down a growl of anger at his words as Y/n moves closer to him, automatically working to soothe him. “We were trying to help you,” I say.

“I didn’t need help. I _had_ Y/n.” And it’s killing her! “I told you to leave it alone!”

“What was I supposed to do, just...watch you die?” I ask. That’s worse than watching you force yourself on Y/n, Dean!

“The Mark isn’t gonna kill me,” he denies...and he’s right. Won’t kill him. It’ll just make him kill everyone else.

“Maybe not, but...when it’s done with you, you won’t be you anymore.” I turn to look at the twins. Y/n’s destroyed and Dean...he barely even looks like himself anymore. “Look what it’s already done. Look what you’ve done to Y/n. Dean, you two are all I’ve got. So of course I was gonna fight for you because that’s what we do. And listen, I had a shot-”

“Yeah, you had a shot,” he interrupts me again. “Charlie’s dead. Nice shot.”

I look away from him. He’s so dark right now. He’s so angry. He can’t see reason. But he’s right, this is my fault. “You think I’m…” I have to look away from Charlie now, too. I look up towards Heaven, where I know she is. “You think I’m ever...ever gonna forgive myself for that?”

“You wanna know what I think?” He turns to glare at me. “I think it should be you up there, not her.” Fuck, that hurts. I can’t believe he said that. Y/n can’t either. She gasps, looks like she’s gonna fall over, but Dean just wraps his arms around her to hold her up while he keeps talking. “This thing? With Cas and the book, it ends now. Shut it down before someone else gets hurt. Someone like Cas or Y/n. You understand me?”

I’m processing what he just said. I turn back to the fire. “And what about you?”

“Oh, I’m gonna find whoever did this. And I’m gonna rip apart everything and everyone that they ever loved...and then I’m gonna tear out their heart.” He doesn’t even _sound_ like Dean. Sounds like the Dean the demons talk about.

“Is that you talking, or the Mark?”

“Does it matter?” he responds before walking away with Y/n. I watch them kiss from the corner of my eye. Dean’s telling her she can’t come with him, I can tell by how she’s standing, and I’m grateful for a small favor there. She’s sick. She’d get hurt if she went with him. I couldn’t handle it if she got hurt...that’s why I didn’t tell her about what we’re doing at the distillery.

I wait until Dean drives off, leaving us in the middle of the woods with Charlie’s burning body. I walk up to her as she stares after the Impala’s taillights. “I’m not mad like him,” she says quietly.

“But you’re mad,” I say.

“Of course I am. Aren’t you?” she asks, turning to look up at me with teary wet eyes. “We loved Charlie. Charlie loved us. And she’s dead...and it’s your fault, Sam. Aren’t you mad about that?”

Yeah. I am. I’m mad at myself and I’m hurt, but- “She wanted to help. We had to find a way to-”

She sways a bit and looks like she’s gonna be sick so I stop. “Sammy, let’s just go home. I don’t wanna do this right now.”

“Are you okay?” I ask. I’m getting really worried.

“Of the three of us, I’m not the one who needs to be worried about,” she snaps at me and that’s the ‘Don’t fucking ask again’ tone if I’ve ever heard it. I just nod and we start walking toward the bunker. I have to shut it down. Without Charlie we’re never going to be able to read the book anyway. She was our only real shot at breaking the code. So, I’ll have to kill Rowena instead of Crowley. It’s not like I can just let that witch go free.

“I, uh, have to go...shut it down like Dean said, okay?” I say when we get back to the bunker. “You gonna be okay here?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

I walk her to her bedroom, and we stop in the hallway. I feel like everything I’ve done recently is a massive fuck-up so I don’t say anything to her. I just pull her into a hug. There’s a bag on her bed, I can see it over her head. Plastic Walgreens bag, long thin box inside.

Oh.

Shit.

Why didn’t I think of that? I thought she was just depressed and sick, but that’s--God, I hope she’s not pregnant. There’s absolutely no way we’ll be able to fix things if he got her pregnant.

She obviously hasn’t done the test yet, so I don’t say anything. I go to talk to Cas. But then I get an email from Charlie. She probably sent it right before the Stynes murdered her...it’s the codebreaker. We can read the fucking book! I can’t shut it down now, not when we’re so damn close to being able to fix Dean.

But Rowena won’t do the spell until I kill her son...so I send Cas to track Dean, call Y/n to tell her that everything’s going to be fine and take Rowena’s hex bag and a Devil’s Trap bullet to an abandoned building and call the King of Hell.

Of course Crowley refuses to fucking die. I spend all fucking day setting this trap and he doesn’t even die! Why the hell won’t this vermin _die_?

Cas calls after I fail to kill the King. Dean massacred the Stynes. Every. Single. One. Cas ends the call with, “Dean’s coming home.” I know Y/n’s there. She’ll be able to calm him. I don’t rush to get back to the bunker. I have to figure out another way to get Rowena to do the spell, since there’s no way I’m getting anywhere close enough to Crowley to kill him, especially now that he knows I’m _trying_ to kill him.

But I don’t come up with anything to get her to cooperate, not before Cas calls again to tell me that he’s almost to the bunker. He made damn good time from Louisiana. He’s picking up the bunker’s door when I arrive. “What happened?” I ask, looking around the entrance. There’s books everywhere, a strong smell of gasoline, blood and bodies.

“Three of the Stynes came here to...destroy the bunker. Likely to kill the three of you, as well."

Y/n was here! "Is Y/n okay?" I ask, a bit frantically.

"She was beaten quite seriously, but I healed her," he says as he sets the door back in the frame. He looks like he wants to say more but he doesn't. He sighs and points to the bodies in the library. "Roscoe, Eldon and Cyrus Styne. The boy was an innocent. Not a stitch on him. Dean didn't have to kill him."

"Do you know where Dean went?" I ask, but I'm already halfway down the stairs. I have to check on Y/n.

"No. But...Dean and I fought. He...he almost killed me, Sam. He's completely unstable."

I try to call Dean as I head for her room, but he doesn't answer.

I should have been here. If I hadn't been fucking around trying to kill Crowley for his bitch mother, I _would_ have been here. I have to get her to do the damn spell. I can't let this continue. But I have to check on Y/n first.

I can hear her sniffling in her room. Not full-on crying like she was yesterday but still… “Y/n?” I call out through her door. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Always,” she answers. Not convincing. She opens the door and smiles up at me. Fake. “I’m fine.”

“Cas said you were pretty-” What? Messed up? Hurt? Savagely beaten?

She shakes her head. “Cas got his ass handed to him worse than I did. Worry about him,” she says. Obviously not gonna open up about this...and honestly...not my biggest concern right now since I can see she’s okay. Dean is.

“Look, uh...can you call Dean? I’ve tried but he’s not...he’s not answering.”

She takes a deep, calming breath and sighs it out. “He won’t. Not today, anyway. What went down with Cas, that’s…” She shakes her head. “He needs to cool off. He won’t answer. Look...” She’s got tears starting up in her eyes. She’s about to tell me she’s leaving. “I need...Um...I need some time. I’m gonna head into town, get...something.”

She’s not going into town. She’s going after Dean. We need to get Rowena to work with us on this. “We need to work on-”

“No, Sam. Whatever you and Cas are up to...I got no part in it,” she says, a bit of hysteria in her voice. “You’ve kept me from it up to this point so...just…” She trails off and I lick my lips.

I had to keep her out of it. For her safety...and to keep her from telling Dean. She would have told him what we were doing...and maybe Charlie would be alive right now if she had, but then we wouldn’t have the spell to get the Mark off of him. “We couldn’t tell you, Y/n. With this Stockholmy shit you’ve got going with Dean, I knew you’d-”

“Sam,” she interrupts. “I don’t wanna know. I’m gonna…” She nods at the hallway and pushes past me. She’s leaving. “I’ll be back later. Don’t do anything stupid before I get home, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Nothing stupid. Just gonna force a witch to do a spell that might have crazy consequences for everyone. Nothing new.

“Love ya, Sammy,” she says before walking away toward the garage.

I watch her leave. Maybe she can hold him down ‘til I get Rowena to take the Mark off...with Witchkilling Potion...in a bullet. Nothing Rowena understands more than self-preservation. We can do this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dean killed Death. He spared me, killed Death and then...Rowena finished the spell, the Mark came off, the Darkness was released. When Dean gets back from the deputy’s house, we go straight into saving Cas from Rowena’s attack dog spell, but there’s something weird about how Dean’s acting toward Y/n. He’s avoiding looking at her, talking at and around her but not _to_ her. I hope she didn’t notice how he cringed when she hugged him after we got Rowena to fix Cas, but I saw it. What the fuck is going on?

Y/n definitely notices when we get back to the bunker and Dean starts avoiding her. I can see how hard it’s hitting her. She takes her depression to her bedroom and stays there. Dean relaxes a bit when she disappears into her own area and I’m so pissed off for her. He’s being an asshole. She deserves so much better than that.

Cas and I keep checking up on her. We make sure she’s drinking water and bring her snacks that are easy to get down. She looks worse every time I go in there. I don’t think she’s showered in days. Her hair’s all stringy and gross. She’s wearing the same pajamas she’s been wearing for the last three days. When Dean heads into town for a beer run, I suggest she go get cleaned up. “You’ll feel better when you shower, Y/n. Maybe brush your teeth?”

She looks like she’s gonna argue about it for a few moments, but then she nods and scoots to the edge of her bed, standing to grab a towel and new pajamas. At least she’ll be clean.

It’s been two weeks when Y/n finally ventures out of her room to somewhere other than the kitchen or the bathroom. She shuffles into the library at almost midnight and I’m so happy to see her. “Hey!”

“Hey,” she responds, a bit monotone.

I tuck my hair behind my ears and look over her. She’s still got the circles on her eyes, redness in the whites, but her hair is clean and she’s wearing jeans and a completely buttoned plaid flannel. “How are you feeling?”

“Peachy,” she lies. “What’cha working on?” she deflects, looking at my big pile of books.

“Looking for the Darkness. Anything about her.” She sits on the edge of the table and picks up the book on the top of the pile. “Are you okay, Y/n?” I ask, softly. I know she’s not. I can see that she’s not, but...she’s getting better, right? She’s out here in the main bunker with a book in her lap. Just like Y/n should be.

She bites her lip and tries to blink away the tears that pop up. “He hasn’t talked to me. He...he doesn’t…” she whispers and she sounds so broken about it. I slide my chair back and look into her eyes. “He _gave_ me this...this sickness. He broke me and ruined me and now he…” She’s not ruined! She wipes at her eyes and shakes her head. “He doesn’t want me anymore. It really was the Mark. Everything he said about loving me our whole fuckin’ lives, it was all just…”

No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t the Mark. I remember seeing the way he looks at her. He’s always loved her.

I stand and wrap her in a hug and she starts to cry into my chest. “I’m sure it’s not what you think,” I whisper. “Maybe he just feels bad about what he did. Maybe he-”

“He didn’t love me! He just used me for the Mark!” she exclaims.

“Hey, hey, that’s not true!” I push her away from my chest enough to look down into her eyes again as I grasp at straws to make her feel better, to try to explain Dean’s behavior when I don’t understand it myself. “He probably thinks you need time, Y/n. He did, ya know, hurt you...a lot. But he loves you...and maybe he can’t bring himself to touch you that way anymore now that the Mark is gone, but...he loves you just as much as I do.” Exactly the same way I do. “Look,” I whisper, nodding slightly to where Dean just walked into the War Room with his laptop.

I know that I can get a rise out of him. Dean’s always been a jealous asshole when it comes to Y/n. “Maybe if you’re feeling unfulfilled,” I say, nice and loud so that Dean’s sure to hear me. “I could help you, Y/n.”

He heard me. He definitely fucking heard me, but...he doesn’t move. He doesn’t acknowledge I even spoke. He just opens his damn computer and opens up his porn and Y/n looks so put down and starts to leave, thanking me for my effort but I can’t just let her walk away feeling like this and I remember Dean’s face when he watched her kiss Jesse and I don’t even have time to fully form a plan before I’m grabbing her head and kissing her. She squeaks in surprise and instinctively tries to pull away but now that I’m kissing her, now that I finally know what Dean’s been tasting the last few months, I can’t let her just walk away.

I pull her harder against my body and then push her into the table, knocking over the books on the table. Her lips are so soft, her body curves so perfectly against mine. I never wanna let her go...but I do. If I keep going, I’m not gonna be able to put this under the umbrella of helping her get Dean’s attention.

Which it doesn’t do. Of course not. He just puts his headphones in and she runs off crying. I glare at Dean for making Y/n cry and then I sit back down to open my books. My mind keeps drifting to that kiss, though. I can’t concentrate. I get up, get some coffee, and I spend the next four hours trying to research...and failing.

When I decide to get some rest, I walk past the kitchen on the way to my room and notice two neatly-folded pieces of paper. I stop and walk over to the table. One has my name, the other has Dean’s, both written in Y/n’s pretty handwriting.

My stomach is in knots as I swipe my letter off of the table and open it up.

_I’m sorry. I know how worried you get when I’m gone, but I can’t stay. Every time I hear his voice or see his face, I feel sick. I have to figure out how to fix myself, fix what he broke in me. The only real silver lining is that Roscoe Styne didn’t take pity on me when I told him I was pregnant, that he took the time to beat the abomination out of me before he would have killed me. I can only imagine how much worse this would be if I was still pregnant._

_Thank you for everything you’ve done. You’ve always been such a good brother. You got the Mark off of him, so at least he gets to be normal again. I was set to lose absolutely everything if Dean went through with Death’s plan, so I’m glad you two are going to be alright. Thank you for taking care of Dean. I know that the two of you will always sacrifice everything for each other, even other people, so I won’t worry about the two of you while I’m away fixing myself._

_If you ever really, really need me, I’ll answer the phone, but considering the Mark of Cain was the only thing that’s ever really needed me, I doubt I’ll need to answer the call._

_I love you_

I grab Dean’s letter and open it. All she’s written him is one sentence ‘ _I hate you almost as much as I hate myself_ ’.

She was pregnant. She miscarried and she’s been keeping it to herself. No wonder these last few weeks have hit her so hard. I tuck the note for me into my back pocket and run to her room in the hopes that she’s not gone yet. She’s gone. Her duffel bag is gone. Fuck!

I run to Dean’s room and slam open his door. “Y/n’s gone!” I yell.

“What?” He sits up and rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

“She left, Dean. Dropped a note for you on the table, packed a damn bag and left,” I say, tossing his note at him. I’m not gonna tell him about my note. He’ll want to read it and it’s not for him. He opens his note and licks his lips as he reads it a few times.

“How long you think she’s been gone?” he asks, looking at me. He doesn’t even look like he cares!

“No more than four hours,” I answer. “I walked through the kitchen a little after midnight and the note wasn’t there.”

He sighs and nods. “Call Jody. She’ll go there first,” he says. That’s it?!

“That’s all you’ve got to say?” I snap and he rolls his fucking eyes at me.

“What do you _want_ me to say, Sam? It’s not the first time she’s run. It’s not the first time she’s run because she’s pissed at _me_. She’ll go to Jody’s and then she’ll disappear, because if she doesn’t want to be found, she won’t be.”

He’s not even gonna _try_ to find her? _Again_?! “We found her last time.”

“ _Crowley_ found her last time,” he snaps. “And you can bet she’s not gonna be walkin’ around South Beach in steel-toed boots and plaid this time when she knows that’s how she caught his eye before.” He shrugs and shakes his head. “She’s not gonna be found ‘til she’s ready to come home.”

He really doesn’t want to find her. “Do you not even care that she’s gone, Dean?”

He rolls his eyes at me and I wanna punch him. “Of course I care she’s gone, dude, but what do you want from me? She’s gone. It’s my fault ‘cause she hates me ‘cause I fucked ‘er up, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone and we aren’t findin’ her.” At least he can admit it’s his fault. But he doesn’t think I can find her. I’ll fucking find her.

“You’ve got that much faith in my abilities, huh, Dean?”

“No, I got that much faith in _hers_.”

I scoff and walk out of his room. I’ll find her. This time, I’ll get her back.


	14. Denial

**Summary** : After losing Dean in the fight with Amara, Sam and Y/n are kidnapped by the British Men of Letters and tortured. Sam seizes the opportunity to get what he's wanted for years. **  
**

**Pairing** : Sam x Sister!reader **** ****

**Story Warnings** : torture, pain, incest (sister wincest), exhibitionism, **18+ HERE BE SEX! DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN!!!** , oral sex (fem rec), unprotected sex, creampie

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I hate this. I hate that I can’t devote all of my time to finding Y/n. I hate that Dean is all caught up in Amara and I hate that Y/n ran away again and I hate that...I kissed her. I kissed her and then she ran away. I hate that I just let her leave. I should have talked to her. I should have apologized for kissing her. I should-

I call her again. She doesn’t answer. Months of not answering. I hate this.

Dean keeps snarking at me about calling her, discouraging me from trying to find her. If he would just shut up and let me! Let me find her, let me bring her home! Let me apologize for being half the reason she left. Well, not half. Dean was more than half. Dean was 90%. Dean was more than that, even, because then there’s the whole thing where he knocked her up! On purpose! And then abandoned her! 

Ya know...if she wasn’t a Winchester...if she wasn’t the  _ strongest  _ of us, I’d have been worried she might do something stupid. But she has never been the type to do that stupid thing. She’s the type to run off to get her head straight. She’s the type to come home eventually. She never has been able to stay away from us for too long.

But she seems determined to stay gone this time and all my searching isn’t finding and I hate that Dean was right that I wouldn’t be able to find her. Even when we lose Cas and Dean starts helping me, we still can’t find her. She  _ does  _ have amazing skills. Why don’t we lean on them more often instead of leaning on her emotionally, leaning on her physically? 

We are the shittiest brothers ever.

And of course, it’s Chuck that brings her home. I couldn’t find her,  _ again _ , and a higher power brings her home. Dean starts in on Chuck because of course he needs to air his damn grievances and Y/n only takes issue with Chuck’s qualifications of our misery. She gets up to make herself a drink and I follow her. She looks good, considering the fact that it’s been almost a year since I’ve seen her...and considering she’s upset. 

I put my hand on her back to comfort her and, of course, Dean has to put his two cents in about that. “You should keep your hands to yourself,” he says as he sets a beer on the Map Table in front of me and I look up at him. He’s not angry. If it weren’t for Amara, he’d be furious that I touched her. “Y/n. She’s probably not in a good place for that.”

“How would  _ you  _ know?” I snap at him. He hasn’t even talked to her. He sits down next to me and takes a drink of his beer.

“Look, I’m just sayin’, Sam...it’s been a good eleven months or so since you’ve seen her, maybe you should ease into trying to replace me,” he reasons.

Replace him? As what, the brother forcing a baby on her? “I’m not trying to replace you, Dean.” I pick up the beer. “Unlike you, I’m just caring for her.”

“Caring for her doesn’t require touching her at every opportunity,” Dean says, shaking his head. I look at the tabletop and bite the inside of my lip. It's not my fault. I just wanted to comfort her. “ _ We _ care about each other and we barely touch unless one of us is dying.”

I roll my eyes. It's like he doesn't even realize how upset she was back there. Of course, he doesn't know, does he? The losses that Chuck said were necessary...what he lost and he doesn't even know. "That's...not true, Dean. We touch each other all the time...and Y/n was upset, okay? What Chuck was saying was-"

“Dude, come on, you were feeling her up in your feminist way.” Why does he say that like it’s an insult? “Shut up. Don’t think I forgot you making out with her the night before she left, and I didn’t forget the collar either.” The collar. It took me a while to remember the collar. Guess I’ve been jealous of Dean’s connection with Y/n for a lot longer than we were using her to combat the Mark. I take a drink of my beer and clear my throat. 

“Look. For Y/n’s good, she should probably not start anything else with her brother, ya know? Can you imagine how bad things coulda gone if she’d stayed with me?” Yeah, Dean, I can. “She’s better off with someone outside of our family.”

I scoff and shake my head. “What, you’re actually gonna let her be with someone without forcing them out of her life?”

Dean sighs and makes a clicking noise. “Yeah, I deserve that...and I got no good excuse for all the guys I blocked from her, but that’s not what I’m doing here.” He leans back in his chair and looks at me. “Look, we both know that what I did to her is...inexcusable, right? We both know I should never have touched her and it’s sick that I wanted to for so long. Just like we both know it’s sick that you want to.”

How dare he judge me? After everything he did? It doesn’t matter if I  _ want _ it, I’ve never done anything other than kiss her. Even when I didn’t have a fucking soul, all I did was put a collar on her. He  _ raped _ her and I might have gotten off on it but-

“It’s the best thing, for both of you, for you to go jack it to some of that porn you think no one knows you have and stop thinking about Y/n.”

I roll my eyes and shake my head. Why does he always bring up me masturbating? “Not everything is about sex, Dean. I’m just trying to be there for her. That’s all.”

“Okay, Sammy,” he says like he doesn’t believe me. “Keep it that way. S’all I’m sayin’.”

There’s a million miles of subtext in that.

But at least she’s back. That’s the important part. The next morning, I go to check on her and talk to her about Grandma Millie. I end up sitting next to her on her bed as she tells me about the postcards that Dad used to send his mom, how he signed them with ‘Johnny’. And then she leans her head against my shoulder. It’s so nice. I missed her so much over the past year. I’m so happy to have her here where I can feel her and smell the roses on her hair.

“I’m tired, Sammy. I haven’t been home a day and I’m exhausted,” she admits.

“Have you talked to Dean?” I ask. Not that talking to him is gonna change anything.

“He said he’s sorry. He doesn’t even know what he’s sorry for.”

Of course not. I didn’t tell him what he needed to be sorry for...and I’m guessing neither has she. “You haven’t told him about the baby, have you?”

“It’s not like he would care,” she snaps.

With Amara still alive that’s probably right, but I say, “You don’t know that,” to make her feel a bit better.

“It’s not...I only...it was really early first trimester, Sam. I couldn’t have been more than six weeks. I...I only took the test right after Charlie’s funeral and...the Stynes…” She clears her throat and pulls away from me to look in my eyes. Her eyes are all watery and sad. “I don’t know why it hurts so much.”

She’s been hurting over this for a year and she’s been beating herself up for how she feels, too? “Because you created life, Y/n, and that was taken from you. It’s allowed to hurt.” I reach out and run the back of my knuckles down her cheek. I just wanna make her feel better. “ _ You’re  _ allowed to hurt.” 

I wanna kiss her, but the thought has barely crossed my mind to start leaning in when she goes stiff and pulls away. “Th-thank you, Sammy.”

I rub my hands together as I stand. Yeah, probably wouldn’t be a good idea. Maybe Dean’s right. Probably Dean’s right. “You know, i-if you need anything, I’m here,” I tell her and she nods so I just leave. It’s a bad idea to try to get close to her right now. It’s a bad idea.

Especially since she seems determined to sacrifice herself. Which, thankfully, she fails at. Every part of our plan to take down the Darkness fails. So we have to come up with another option...which puts Dean on the chopping block. This seems like it’s the...the last time. The end. Especially when Dean kisses Y/n right there in front of Cas, Crowley, and Rowena. 

“Sam, Y/n, I’m so sorry,” Cas says as we enter the bunker. “If you want to talk...I’m here if either of you need anything.”

“Hello, hello,” a happy British voice calls out across the War Room. A well-dressed woman slams her hand into a banishing sigil on the wall, sending Cas away. Y/n and I call his name and reach for our pistols but the woman raises a gun before we can. “Don’t. Y/n and Sam Winchester. Toni Bevell,” she introduces. “Men of Letters, London Chapterhouse.” What? There’s still Men of Letters?

“Oh you won’t have heard of me...us. We’re very traditional. Keep out of the way, keep to our studies.”

“You, um…” I look over at Y/n, who looks just as confused as I feel, then look back to the intruder and shake my head. “What?”

“They sent me to take you in.”

“To take us in?” Y/n asks.

“Assuming the world didn’t end, and...yay!” she says. I am not in the mood for this shit.

“Look, lady,” I start, stepping toward her.

“We’ve been watching you, Sam. What you’ve done, the damage you’ve caused...archangels, Leviathans, the Darkness, and now, well...the old men have decided enough’s enough. I mean, let’s face it. You’re just jumped-up hunters playing with things you don’t understand and doing more harm than good.” I almost growl at that. We didn’t ask for the archangels or the Leviathans or the damn Darkness. We didn’t even ask to be  _ hunters _ . “Now, where’s Dean?” she finishes.

“Dead,” I answer, focusing on my anger so that she doesn’t see the sadness in my face. “Listen, lady, I don’t know who the hell you are or what the hell you want-” I start advancing on her again.

“Stop,” she demands, but I don’t listen.

“Put the gun down,” I snap.

“I said stop,” she reminds me.

“We all know you’re not gonna pull the trigger,” I say, but she does. Y/n screams when the bitch’s gun goes off, bullet impacting my thigh. I hit the floor, Y/n drops next to me to put pressure on me.

“I’m going to retrieve something to use as a tourniquet,” the intruder says to Y/n as she tucks her gun into a holder on her hip. “I assume you wish Sam to survive. Don’t try anything stupid.”

“You bitch,” Y/n growls at her.

“Oh, you’ll be needing a gag too, then.” She starts to walk away as I take deep breaths to keep my pain level down. “Bloody hunters.”

“You’re gonna be okay, Sammy,” Y/n whispers.

I fucking hope so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cattle prod wakes me up. Y/n and I are bound to wooden chairs, hands cuffed behind our backs, ankles cuffed to the chair legs. I look over at Y/n to make sure she’s in better shape than me before I look around the room. We’re in a storm cellar. Nothing unique in Kansas.

“Be a good boy,” the woman with the cattle prod says as Toni Bevell walks down the stairs.

“You,” I bite out, pulling at my restraints.

She sits down in a chair across the cellar from us and flips open a notebook, taking the cap off of a fancy pen. “Now, Y/n, Sam...let’s begin.”

“Toni Bevell, London Chapterhouse.” Bitch. Stupid British cunt. Broke into my home, shot me, knocked me and my sister out.

“That’s right.”

“So, you’re what. You’re English Men of Letters?” Y/n asks.

“British,” Toni corrects.

“Right. Big distinction,” Y/n says rolling her eyes.

“You would think that you, the smarter Winchesters, would care about that difference.”

“Well, you don’t sound  _ Welsh _ , so…” Y/n is such a snarky bitch. I love her.

“Where are we?” I ask.

“Does it matter?” she taunts me.

“Just wondering how far we’re gonna have to walk back to town after we kill you,” I answer. I nod at the woman in black who shocked us. “And her. But you first.”

She obviously doesn’t believe we’re gonna murder her. “Yes, well, before you murder us all, we do have a few questions about you, your brother, Hunters in America, and how you saved the sun.” 

Really? “Right. You  _ shoot _ me, kidnap us, but yeah, we’re happy to help,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Sam. You gave me no choice. And, well, I could say it was never supposed to go this way, but you’re... _ you _ . It was always going to go this way.”

“And you know me?” I snap.

“We do,” she confirms. “We’ve been watching you and the twins for years. Ever since you almost ended the world the  _ first  _ time. We knew all about Lucifer, the angels falling, the Mark of Cain and its various...side effects.” I look over at Y/n, who looks so embarrassed. Fuck Toni for making Y/n feel like that. 

“Then where were you?” Y/n asks.

“Fair question. See, some of us wanted to get involved but the old men wouldn’t allow it. Thought we were overstepping our bounds. After all of this business with the Darkness, even  _ they  _ have to agree...things need to change. And while you might not believe this, Winchesters, we’re here to help.”

Of course they are. “Yeah, no. I-I can tell,” I say sarcastically.

“I want to apologize for locking you up. You’re dangerous--to others and yourselves--but if you answer my questions, you both walk right out that door. I promise.”

I look over at Y/n. I wanna resist, but based on what I know of these assholes, they’re going to hurt us. I don’t want to fight back if Y/n isn’t up to the pain. But she’s the strongest of us. She tells me with a look that she understands and agrees that we’ll get through whatever they throw at us together. “Pass,” I answer for us.

“Sam,” Toni scolds me. She doesn’t know who she’s dealing with. 

“You can ask me any kind of question you want. The answer’s gonna be the exact same: Screw you. You wanna get mad? You wanna get mean? I’ve been tortured by the Devil himself. So  _ you _ ? You’re just an accent in a pantsuit. What can you do to me?” I see Y/n gawking at me from the corner of my eye. She looks impressed...and maybe a little turned on.

“And what about your sister?” Toni asks, capping her pen. “Dear Y/n here hasn’t ever been to Hell. Her only interactions with Lucifer and the archangels has been tangential. She’s never been ‘tortured by the Devil himself’. Do you think she could handle it?”

“Screw. You,” Y/n says with all the spite and confidence of a Winchester. Damn, that’s sexy. The woman in black turns on a cold tap and water starts raining down on us. “I can handle anything you throw at us.”

“A cold shower? That’s your play?” I scoff and shake the water from my hair. We start shaking but we don’t complain. We don’t say anything except, “Screw you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wake up on the floor, out of my restraints. My burned feet are wrapped. My whole body hurts. I’ve taken a beating...and so has Y/n. I’m proud of how much pain she stood up to. When I see her on the floor on the opposite side of her chair, fear that she’s succumbed to the pain overwhelms me. I just lost Dean. I can’t lose her too. I shake her, call her name, check her pulse. She’s alive, but her breathing is shallow. I need her to wake up.

“Y/n. Y/n, you need to wake up,” I whisper desperately, grasping at her face.

“Um ah-righ,” she slurs and I let out a sigh of relief. She’s not out of the woods until she opens her eyes.

“Hey, hey! I can’t lose you too!” I shake her slightly.

“You’re really loud,” she mumbles, a little clearer, but still not awake.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know but you need to wake up.”

Her eyelids flutter over her gorgeous green eyes for a moment before they slide up and she focuses on me. “I tol’ you I’m okay, Sammy,” she says, trying to sit up. I help her and look over her. “Why aren’t we tied up?”

Good question. “We passed out, both ended up on the floor.” I point at the camera on the ceiling in the corner. “They’re watching us from that camera. I’m not sure the game here, but they definitely shouldn’t have-” My eyes go wide as she her whole body goes stiff and she screams like she did when they took the torch to her toes. “Whoa! W-what, what happened?”

“I-I don’t-” She shakes her head, looking up at me with panic in her eyes. “It’s-” Her next scream cuts off her words and she clamps it down but then she just starts whimpering. “It’s like I’m on fire, inside is on fire.”

I start looking her over. A hex bag, a sigil, something that’s causing this pain...a needle mark? I pull her hair off of her shoulder and run my fingertips over a pissed-off mark on her shoulder. “Needle mark. She injected you with something.”

“T-they...they’re trying to break you by b-breaking mmme…” She’s probably right, but I know she won’t break. “I’m the softer target.”

I shake my head and look down at her. She’s not soft. “Nah. You aren’t...you’re strong and...you can-”

She lets out a disbelieving breath. “Only time I’ve been tortured is when Gordon had me, and that--that wasn’t…” She whines and scrunches her face up. Gordon tortured her because of me. Toni’s torturing her because of me. “Hng...that was nothing.”

“You’re not gonna break, Y/n. You’re a Winchester.” Dean did thirty years worth of Hell torture before he broke. I...don’t even know how long Lucifer had me. She can do this.

“I’ve always been the weak-” she starts and I can’t hear her talking about herself like that so I lay her back on the floor and look down into her eyes.

“Not weak. Sensitive, beautiful, amazing.” Perfect. Gorgeous. Sexy. Fuck, how can she look so sexy after a night of torture and days of emotional bullshit and mourning? I look down her body, her perfect, curvy body. I’m fucked in the head, but...I want her. We might die here and I want her. Just once. “Just gotta distract you from the pain, sis,” I whisper as I pull her shirt up. Get her through this until whatever they hit her with wears off. I’m drawn to the burn marks on her abs from the cattle prod and I run my fingers over them. “Gonna make it better...and then we’re gonna make London Chapterhouse pay.”

“Sam, w-what are-” she starts, but I can’t let her talk me outta this. I have to taste her just this once. I lean down and kiss her burn and she gasps. I’ve heard her make that noise for Dean. I wanna make her make all the noises I’ve heard her make for Dean. I pull her shirt up over her bra and start mouthing at her boobs, wetting her bra, but I don’t care because her nipples are poking through the cotton. “Sam,” she whines, and holy shit, my name has never sounded so good.

“I love how my name sounds on your lips. Can’t wait to hear you scream it,” I admit, grinding my dick against her pussy. She grabs my shoulders like she’s trying to hold on for dear life. “Fuck, I’ve dreamed of this. Was so jealous of Dean.”

I start licking at her neck, the column of her throat. I use a little bit of teeth because I wanna mark her as mine. Just this once. She’s breathing heavy and it’s amazing. “I...Sam, please,” she begs as I pop the button on her jeans. She’s begging me. Fuck. 

“So fuckin’ needy, sis. Gonna be too easy to get you off when you’re already begging for it.” I slide my hand into her jeans and rub at her clit. She cries out in pain and pleasure and I try to balance it a little more toward pleasure by rubbing a little harder and ramping up the dirty talk. “You’re so fuckin’ wet, Y/n. Soaking your panties. That all for me?”

“Sam…” she whines and that’s still the best thing I’ve ever heard.

“Don’t worry. Gonna take care of you,” I promise, pulling her pants and underwear down and off of her left leg so I can spread her thighs and hook her knees over my shoulders. I kiss my way up her inner thigh. I wanna go slow, but I’m so fucking eager and scared that the British Men of Letters might stop me. I kiss her pussy and her taste coats my lips. She tastes amazing. No wonder Dean couldn’t help but eat her out at inappropriate times. “Taste so fuckin’ good.”

“Fuck, Sam, please,” she begs and how can I say ‘no’? I start licking her lips and sliding my tongue into her slit, slurping at her delicious juices and listening to her gasps and moans. When she twists her fingers in my hair, I fuck my tongue into her pussy. She starts squirming and I put my hands on her stomach to hold her in place. “Sam, I need to--Sam, please, I need to cum, please, please, plea-” I make her scream when I move my mouth to suck her clit into my mouth.

The noise she makes is just...the best fucking thing ever, and I am hard as stone and I need to fuck her, now. I lean back and start undressing as I lick at her taste on my lips and chin. “Think they’re still watching? Huh?” I ask as I carefully pull my pants down. Her eyes go a bit wide when she sees my cock. “Or do you think they averted their proper English, sorry,  _ British _ eyes when the video stream became incest porn?”

She tears her eyes away from my dick to the camera in the corner. Maybe I shouldn’t have reminded her that it was there. “Uh, I...I don’t-”

“I hope they’re still watching,” I say, carefully laying my body over hers. “Want them to see you cum all over my cock.” Her jaw drops at that. She doesn’t know just how dirty I can be. She’s gonna see before we’re done here. I lean down to kiss her, sliding the head of my cock to her entrance. She whimpers as another wave of fire hits her and I start pushing into her, French kissing her as I slowly get into her.

I’m big. Bigger than Dean, I know that much, almost certainly bigger than Jesse. I’m probably the biggest she’s ever taken, so I know that I have to go slow. But my big fucking dick is definitely distracting her...and that’s why I started this, right? I wanted to get her through this pain, but there’s no reason we can’t enjoy ourselves.

We’re kissing each other, hands buried in each other’s hair, as we wait for her to adjust. It always takes women a few minutes to get used to me...but eventually, I gotta move and when I do? When I start rolling my hips, rocking against her...I’ve never felt anything like it. I drop my head to her shoulder and take deep breaths. “Fuck, Y/n. I’ve wanted this for so fucking long. Since Dean was in Purgatory.” Since she was watching over me in Kermit. Since I was dreaming of fucking her with that collar on. “Used to fuck Amelia, picturing you,” I say as I start thrusting into her. I pick up speed a bit faster than I normally would but I’m so eager.

She grabs at my shoulders, fingernails digging in and I groan. “Sam! Fuck! Slow d-down,” she begs. Too fast, I guess. 

I slow a bit, looking into her eyes as I fuck her. She’s got the most amazing body. “God, you feel so fucking amazing, Y/n. You’re squeezing my cock so good. I’m gonna fucking cum.” I grab her breast and tweak her nipple, loving the way it makes her clench around me. She’s exactly what I imagined she’d be. Perfect. “You gonna cum for me, sis? I wanna see your face. I’ve heard you cum so many times, I wanna see. I wanna feel it.”

I reach between us and rub my thumb over her clit and her nails dig in more as she whines, “Sammy.” Her body goes stiff as I start fucking her harder. She’s so fucking close. I’m gonna get to make her cum. “Fuckfuckfuck,” she rambles as her eyes roll back and her jaw drops a bit. Her breath catches on her orgasm and so does mine. I’ve never seen her look so beautiful, so blissful and heavenly.

“So beautiful,” I whisper. I kiss her again as my own orgasm approaches, pain shooting through me as my burned toes curl. I grunt into her mouth as I fill her with cum, gasping in a breath as my head goes woozy. That was everything I thought it was gonna be. Holy shit. I kiss her neck and jawline as I pull out of her. She hasn’t whimpered in a few minutes. “How’s the pain?”

“Better,” she says, stretching her neck a bit. “I think...whatever they injected me with, it’s wearing off.”

I lean away from her, get up on my forearm. I laugh as I look down at her red cheeks and sweaty forehead. “Or maybe I fucked it out of you.” I smirk as I pull her shirt down.

“Yeah. Maybe. My spirits are higher in the very least,” she says sitting up. She smiles at me for a minute before a sadness takes her eyes. “We’re gonna get out of this, right? That wasn’t a ‘Last Night on’-”

“No,” I cut her off as we start getting dressed. Her abandonment issues are huge. “That was a first of many. Next time, it’ll be better. Neither of us will be in pain.”

She shrugs and stands and I’m kinda proud of the way her legs are shaking. “Maybe a little bit of pain isn’t too bad.”

Dean was right? She  _ likes  _ pain. That means I don’t have to hold back with her. Perfect. She’s so fucking perfect. I smile at her. “You’re a little freaky, aren’t you?”

“Says the exhibitionist who just came inside his big sister,” she snaps back. 

I chuckle. “Got me there.” It’s hot that she’s got my cum dripping out of her right now. “Let’s see if we can get outta here, huh?” She nods and we start looking around the cellar for weapons and a way out.


End file.
